So this little prick James Frey wrote a book that was supposed to be non-fiction about his life. Uh, not so much. Funny story, it turns out that basically he made up a LOT of bullshit and the little that had any basis in fact was wildly exaggerated. In so doing, he pissed off The Oprah who had selected his book for her Book Club. An Oprah pissed is a frightening thing to behold.
In a rational country, this asshole’s next job would involve wearing a blue apron and saying, “Welcome to Wal-Mart” a lot. We do not live, however, in a rational country.
My Dad used to say, “You’ll never get ahead working for a living in America.” Dad was right. Work for a living, put in an honest day’s labor and you’ll die broke, and non-famous. Lie your ass off, perhaps braving the wrath of The Oprah in the process, however, and when the dust settles, HarperCollins Publishers will give you a big box of money for your next book.
Hasn’t anyone thought about the message this sends to The Children? You know, The Children that we’re all so fucking concerned about. Yeah, those The Children.
OK, since no one else is thinking about The Children, I’ll do it.
Hey, kids, Uncle Bob here. Listen, I’m going to tell you how things really are. Don’t bother getting a job with a big corporation on the assumption that it must be stable since it’s so big and all. Ask your parents (or check Wikipedia) about Enron. It was the sixth-largest corporation in America and it was a total sham which, when it folded, left all its employees and investors hanging. Fuck that noise.
Figure out some scam that won’t get your ass thrown into jail if you get caught and ride that mofo for all its worth. Become a “psychic” who gets booked on TV shows; write an “autobiography” about how your Mom was a crack addict shemale; run for office as a “family values” Republican politician. In other words, LIE YOUR ASS OFF.
Not only are the odds that you won’t get caught, if you DO, so what? Here’s the dirty little secret about life: IT ISN’T ILLEGAL TO LIE. Getting caught doing any of the things I suggested will not only NOT send your ass to jail, it will give your celebrity and income a boost. Who gives a shit if The Oprah chews you out on TV? So fucking what? You’ve never had a black woman give you some static before? Just put on your pious, I’ll-never-do-it-again face and let her do her “Oh no you di’n’t” shit. It’ll pay off in the long run with increased book sales.
Above all, DO NOT go to work for some big company where you’ll rapidly become a cypher who will get handed his or her pink slip as soon as the Chinese factory that makes the shit it sells gets caught poisoning the kids who nag their folks for it. Fuck that! Take the reins of your life into your own hands. Get your ass on the only sure path to success in America. Lie.