The Cranky Media Guy

The first million dollar laptop - gizmag Article

I loves me some clever, creative publicity stunts and media hoaxes.  I’ve even been involved in several over the years.  On the other hand, I hates me some LAZY fucking publicity stunts and media hoaxes.

This “million dollar laptop” is just the most recent example of the kind of thing I hate.  It seems like every time I read Gizmodo or Engadget, I see a story about some cell phone manufacturer who is hustling some ridiculously overpriced piece of crap encrusted with Swarovsky crystals (for some reason, perhaps an obscure Federal law, they have to be SWAROVSKY crystals) touted as the “World’s Most Expensive Phone.” 

The other variation on this gag is the restaurant, usually in New York City or L.A. that has a hundred-dollar hamburger on its menu.  Know what you never hear about?  Anyone who has actually BOUGHT one of these things.

See, it isn’t really about SELLING the item in the story.  It’s about claiming you have the World’s Most Expensive Whatever so that you’ll get some exposure for your company which will hopefully sell the crap you’re REALLY trying to foist off on the public.

One top of this being the single most unimaginative stunt you can employ to get attention for your business, the fact is that the item in question, stripped of its bling, is inevitably rather mediocre.  If you’re going to dip one of your products in crystals like a chocolate-covered banana, why not at least do it to the highest end product in your line?  I’m sure there’s some reason for why they don’t do that, but damned if I can figure it out.

This is what the guy from the company says:

“I didn’t want us to simply re-house a laptop into a diamond studded
casing, or diamond encrust the entire thing simply to make it
expensive. We’ve put thought in from the keyboard down to the power
charger. There is an integrated screen cleaning device and a very rare
coloured diamond piece of jewellery that doubles up as the power button
when placed into the laptop and also acts as security identification.
We have used diamonds elsewhere but have given them purpose.”

Now, I ain’t no expert in computer manufacture, but diamond power button aside (and God knows you can’t live without THAT), other than the “screen cleaning device,” this doesn’t sound like anything all that special.  Here are the specs, according to the story:

“[I]t incorporates a 17″ widescreen LED lit screen with a specially
designed anti-reflective glare coating for clear and brighter image,
128GB of Solid State Disk space and a slot loading Blue-Ray drive.”

Yeah, and…?   Seriously, is that it?  Why don’t I just buy a $399. laptop at Wal-Mart, pour some Elmer’s Glue on it and roll it around in a box of rhinestones? 

You know when I’ll be impressed by shit like this?  When I read a follow-up story about some sucker who actually BOUGHT one of these things.  I’m not gonna hold my breath waiting for that, though.

In the meantime, I have a cat to sell you for a million dollars.  I’ll glue some Swarovsky crystals to his ass if that’ll seal the deal.