The Cranky Media Guy

So, Alan Greenspan, the former chairman of the Federal Reserve, has “written” a book in which he says that he believes the war in Iraq was really all about oil.  In another shocking revelation, he also says that water is wet.

Kidding aside, I’m getting really REALLY tired of these fucking Republicans leveling with the public about all the scummy shit that’s been done in the name of the American public AFTER they leave public serve and get a hefty publishing advance or are worried about how history will judge them.  Yes, I’m looking at you, Colin Powell.

Seriously, how do these people sleep at night, knowing that they could have told America what was going on but they kept their mouths shut because, at the time, it was better for their careers?

In a just world, all of these honest-only-when-it-pays fuckers would go on some kind of Scumbag Picnic, driven there in a rickety school bus along a road on the edge of a cliff high above the ocean by a meth addict overdue for his dose.  Oops, he missed the sharp curve.  Darn the luck!  Ah, but I digress.

Hey, Greenspan!  I realize it won’t be long now before the Icy Grip of Death grabs you by the balls and drags you into the grave but you might consider taking a moment out of your busy book-selling schedule to apologize to the people of America and the world for keeping your geriatric jaw shut about what you knew about the “Battle for Iraq” (as my local Fox affiliate’s news show calls it).  Doesn’t it ever bother you, Alan, when you sit down to cut into your nice filet mignon and you see all that blood on your hands?  All the book royalties in the world won’t make it go away.  Try washing some of it off with TRUTH, Old Man.

Alan Greenspan claims Iraq war was really for oil - Times Online

I don’t want to belabor what a bunch of shit Ayn Rand’s “philosophy” is/was.  I’ll just say that it’s an elaborate justification for being a selfish asshole–pretty much the perfect “philosophy” for the douchebags who infest the current administration, along with its cheerleaders in the mainstream media.

Oh, OK, I’ll go a little further with this.  Quoting from the article:

“Rand had a reputation for living for her own interest. She is said to
have seduced her most serious reader, Nathaniel Branden, when he was 24
or 25 and she was at least 50. Each was married to someone else. In
fact, Mr. Britting confirmed, they called their spouses to a meeting at
which the pair announced their intention to make the mentor-protégé
relationship a sexual one.”

Oh, so she was a cheating bitch.  Good role model there.  I’m sure her husband appreciated the objectivism that went into her decision to fuck a younger guy behind his back.

More:

“Last year, bookstores sold 150,000 copies of the book. It continues to hold appeal, even to a younger generation. Mark Cuban, the owner of the Dallas Mavericks, who was born in 1958, and John P. Mackey, the chief executive of Whole Foods, who was 3 when the book was published, have said they consider Rand crucial to their success.”

I’m not aware of anything terrible that Mark Cuban has done, but he does have a widespread reputation for being pretty fucking cuckoo.  Didn’t he get fined a huge amount of money for screaming at refs during a Mavericks game?

As for the guy who runs Whole Foods, that asshole got caught recently putting anonymous postings on a business-oriented web site’s message board disparaging his biggest competitor, saying that it was poorly run, etc.  Oh, funny story, he just BOUGHT that competitor.  What’s that, Randians?  Oh, he was just acting in his “rational self-interest,” not being a flaming douchebag who lied about his competition to lower its sale price?  Oh, no prob, then.

“The book’s hero, John Galt, also continues to live on. The subcontractor hired to demolish the former Deutsche Bank building,
which was damaged when the World Trade Center towers fell, was the John
Galt Corporation. It was removed from the job last month after a fire
at the building killed two firefighters.”

Yeah, turns out (not that the New York Times seemed to think that this was worth telling you in this article) that the John Galt Corporation never demolished anything before.  Hey, who needs experience when you have self-interest to service and powerful fellow Rand fans to grease the skids for you?

Know what?  I’ve changed my mind.  I take back “fuck Ayn Rand.”  Fuck Ayn Rand AND all the assholes who think that her elaborate rationalization of selfishness constitutes a “philosophy.” 

Ayn Rand’s Literature of Capitalism - New York Times

“Capgras Syndrome” is a mental illness that makes sufferers think that familiar people have been replaced by duplicates or look-alikes.  I must be suffering from it as I’ve been convinced for several years now that the President of the United States has been replaced by a deranged madman.

When a ‘Duplicate’ Family Moves In - New York Times

MTV is in the shitter.  No one, even the kids who wear hockey helmets and sit way in the back of the school bus, think it’s cool anymore.  The VMA’s sucked the Big Gadinga.  What to do, what to do?

MORE COMMERCIALS, obviously.  Why, it’s so simple!  Jam some more commercials into the content that no one wants to watch anymore.  Duh.  Of course, if you put too many commercials into the shows, it’ll become obvious even to the sluggards who still watch Empty TV.  Hmm, how to hide the spots?

Ah, I’ve got it!  Make shows that are actually commercials themselves.  Sure, the shows will suck because they exist solely to push the crap the advertiser is trying to sell, not to entertain, but hey, that’s show BUSINESS.

At MTV, a New Show That Pushes Deodorant - WSJ.com

So this little prick James Frey wrote a book that was supposed to be non-fiction about his life.  Uh, not so much.  Funny story, it turns out that basically he made up a LOT of bullshit and the little that had any basis in fact was wildly exaggerated.  In so doing, he pissed off The Oprah who had selected his book for her Book Club.  An Oprah pissed is a frightening thing to behold.

In a rational country, this asshole’s next job would involve wearing a blue apron and saying, “Welcome to Wal-Mart” a lot.  We do not live, however, in a rational country.

My Dad used to say, “You’ll never get ahead working for a living in America.”  Dad was right.  Work for a living, put in an honest day’s labor and you’ll die broke, and non-famous.  Lie your ass off, perhaps braving the wrath of The Oprah in the process, however, and when the dust settles, HarperCollins Publishers will give you a big box of money for your next book.

Hasn’t anyone thought about the message this sends to The Children?  You know, The Children that we’re all so fucking concerned about.  Yeah, those The Children. 

OK, since no one else is thinking about The Children, I’ll do it.

Hey, kids, Uncle Bob here.  Listen, I’m going to tell you how things really are.  Don’t bother getting a job with a big corporation on the assumption that it must be stable since it’s so big and all.  Ask your parents (or check Wikipedia) about Enron.  It was the sixth-largest corporation in America and it was a total sham which, when it folded, left all its employees and investors hanging.  Fuck that noise.

Figure out some scam that won’t get your ass thrown into jail if you get caught and ride that mofo for all its worth.  Become a “psychic” who gets booked on TV shows; write an “autobiography” about how your Mom was a crack addict shemale; run for office as a “family values” Republican politician.  In other words, LIE YOUR ASS OFF.

Not only are the odds that you won’t get caught, if you DO, so what?  Here’s the dirty little secret about life: IT ISN’T ILLEGAL TO LIE.  Getting caught doing any of the things I suggested will not only NOT send your ass to jail, it will give your celebrity and income a boost.  Who gives a shit if The Oprah chews you out on TV?  So fucking what?  You’ve never had a black woman give you some static before?  Just put on your pious, I’ll-never-do-it-again face and let her do her “Oh no you di’n't” shit.  It’ll pay off in the long run with increased book sales.

Above all, DO NOT go to work for some big company where you’ll rapidly become a cypher who will get handed his or her pink slip as soon as the Chinese factory that makes the shit it sells gets caught poisoning the kids who nag their folks for it.  Fuck that!  Take the reins of your life into your own hands.  Get your ass on the only sure path to success in America.  Lie.

James Frey’s First Novel Gives Him a Second Chance - WSJ.com