The Cranky Media Guy

Michael Eisner has found his “new Mickey Mouse.”  It’s Bazooka Joe, the guy on the little waxy comic strips in Bazooka bubble gum.  You know, the goofy-looking fuck with the striped shirt and the eyepatch spouting jokes you didn’t think were funny when you were 5.

How did this guy get to run Disney?  Did they have a “millionth customer through the turnstiles at Disneyland this season gets to be CEO” contest?

Hey Eisner, I have a great idea for the NEXT “new Mickey Mouse” after this one stiffs.  It’s a character called Man from Nantucket.  He has this amazing, uh, super power.  And he really enjoys it!  It makes him grin.  The kids are gonna LOVE this one, Mike!

Eisner has his new Mickey: It’s Bazooka Joe

Up until now, I refused to believe the Chicken Littles among us who have been saying that the American dollar is in trouble.  Reading this article, however, changed my mind.  If a SUPERMODEL doesn’t want to be paid in dollars, clearly the end is nigh for America.  I’m putting all my money in Kruggerands!

Pay me in Euros

…we just live in it.

It’s time we all just accepted the fact that we are mere bit players in The Oprahverse.  We exist at Her pleasure.  When The Oprah weeps, it rains.  She is, after all, as Her talk show’s former theme song says, every woman.  And every man.  She contains multitudes.  The Pope has The Oprah on speed dial for advice on matters of faith and morals.  Do not fold, mutilate or spindle The Oprah.  Daylight Savings Time was extended this year at the request of The Oprah.  Every human being in Mountain Home, Idaho belongs to The Oprah by state law.  During a commercial break on a recent edition of Her show, The Oprah single-handedly separated two conjoined twins backstage.  A cargo cult in the South Pacific worships The Oprah as a deity.   The Oprah is a robot sent back from the future to save mankind.  Tibet will be freed when The Oprah says so.  While it is well-known that The Oprah once gave every member of Her studio audience a new car, it is less well-known that guests who displease Her have to give Her their cars.  When The Oprah lactates, Her breasts produce liquid gold.

Oprah Vows Shake-Up Over Abuse Scandal

The Oprah has announced that she is going to have a backstage “Oprah Cam” which we all be able to watch on her new channel on YouTube.  At last her millions of worshippers will be able to see Oprah actually raise the dead and perform psychic surgery on the medically incurable, which is what The Oprah does during commercial breaks.  Take THAT, disbelievers in the power of The Oprah!

Oprah Goes To YouTube

…please do humanity a favor and kill yourself.  Now.  Right now.  Don’t wait for the next commercial break, just kill yourself RIGHT NOW.

More Money Than Brains: Gold and Diamond-Encrusted MP3 Player for Dogs Reaches New Depth of Absurdity