HERE’S “THE SECRET”: YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE!

Self-Help’s Slimy ‘Secret’

There’s this book out there that you may have heard of.  It’s called The Secret.  It purports to tell you the hidden secret of the universe.  I’ll save you the money it would cost you to buy this book.  The REAL Secret of the Universe is that if you think the universe cares about you (or even has the ability to care about you) and will give you what you need or want if you just “visualize” it, you’re an idiot.

Yes, it’s that simple.  The universe is a THING; a very large thing, to be sure, but a THING nonetheless.  It does not care about you nor CAN it care about you, any more than the lamp post on the corner can.  Maybe that upsets you, maybe that makes you feel small and insignificant.  Too bad.  Suck it up and try living in the real world.  Relative to the size of the universe, you ARE small and insignificant.  Does that mean that you don’t matter?  Nope, not at all.  You matter to those who know you and care about you or love you.  What’s wrong with that?  Isn’t that more than enough for you?  Do you really need Alpha Fucking Centauri to know of, and care about, your existance?  You do?  Wow, you’re really an asshole, aren’t you?

This book is selling like crazy because Oprah “I’m Every Woman” Winfrey flogged it on her show.  Oprah is a douchebag, a HUGE flaming douchebag who believes in every stupid Feng Shui/past lives experience/Rule of Attraction bullshit story that comes down the pike. 

The Secret is about the Rule of Attraction.  That made-up “Rule” says that the universe will provide you with what you want or need if you just THINK ABOUT IT REALLY HARD.  Yes, that’s the “secret.”  Conversely, if you “put out negative thoughts,” you will get royally fucked over by the universe.  Those poor bastards in Darfur?  You probably thought that they had the cosmically bad luck to be born in a place where assholes were waging genocide, right?  Nopers, they’re getting killed in massive numbers because of their bad vibes.  Well, that’s the only conclusion you can draw from that whole “you get back from the universe what you put into it” bullshit.

This is hardly the first time in American history that a load of horse shit squeezed between covers has sold massive numbers of copies.  This wishful thinking kind of crap tends to sell well during times of declining economy.  It’s understandable why people would want to believe that iPods and ham sandwiches will fall from the sky when they’re afraid of losing their job, but that doesn’t mean that it’s some kind of Secret of the Universe. 

Consider this: if the universe really does give people what they want if they just THINK ABOUT IT, scientists all over the Earth need to radically re-examine what they consider to be the basic laws of physics.  After all, there would have to be an explanation of the mechanics behind this phenomenon, wouldn’t there?  If I close my eyes and wish really hard for a rapper to appear before me, will it happen?  Should Einstein have said “E=M.C. Hammer”?  (Before you decide that I am hopelessly unhip, yes, I’m aware that M.C. Hammer is about 20 years past his due date.  I needed his name for the joke.  Sheesh.)

If the universe gives people what they wish for, why doesn’t everyone who buys a lottery ticket win every week?  Walk me through that one, Nostradamus.

Seriously, when I see people falling for this utter nonsense, I despair for the future of mankind.  With The Secret atop the best-seller lists, never again do I want to hear anyone say anything about how sophisticated we are, now that it’s the 21st Century and all.  If people can believe the universe will magically give you what you want if you just WISH FOR IT, we aren’t living in “the 21st Century,” we’re living in Peter Pan’s world.  Thinking that money will just come to you if you want it to isn’t any different from thinking that Tinkerbell will live if you clap loud enough.

Time to grow up, people.  The universe doesn’t give a shit if you live or die…and so fucking what?