Author Archives: Uncle Bob Pagani


Everyone who has a Facebook account has gotten notices that so and so is a friend of a friend of yours, asking if you want to “friend” them (yes, “friend” is sometimes a verb in Facebook-speak).  I got such a notice the other day about a guy named Jeff.  What the hell, I thought, throwing caution to the winds.  What can I say, I’m a risk-taking, living-on-the-edge kind of guy.  I went for it.  I friended him.

I soon realized that this friend-of-a-friend that I had friended was something of a right winger.  Among the first few postings from him I saw were complaints that people attending Congressional town hall meetings who disagreed with the Democrats were being denied their First Amendment rights.  What I had seen in the TV news coverage of the meetings showed these people not being prevented from speaking, even though their “speaking” consisted of screaming at the top of their lungs, preventing others from exercising their First Amendment rights.  I began to wonder what this guy was talking about.  Had I walked through the Looking Glass?

From there, he went on to talk about how health care reform would result in “rationing.” At that point, I had to jump in.  Since Jeff wrote in complete, grammatical sentences, I made the mistake of thinking he was a guy who would be interested in, you know, facts.  Silly me, how wrong I was.

I explained that my wife has congestive heart failure, a very serious illness and that since we don’t have health insurance, she can’t get the care she needs, care that could well keep her from dying prematurely.  Isn’t that a form of rationing, I asked.  Jeff responded by saying that maybe my wife should go to one of those “better” countries that have universal health care (yes, he used the quotation marks).  I’ll let you absorb that for a moment.

Surprise of surprises, Jeff just happens to have a friend in Canada whose mother also had congestive heart failure.  This “friend’s mother,” for some strange reason, was refused treatment by those rationing bastard Canadian doctors.  She even had enough money to afford private health care but couldn’t get it since private health care doesn’t exist in Canada.  No one would take her money, even to save her life. 

I had suspected all along that this “friend’s mother” was every bit as real as the guy who woke up to find that his kidney had been stolen by a hooker, but I kept my doubts to myself; I knew expressing them would result in a huge slap fight.  I calmly informed Jeff that he was factually incorrect.  I knew this for certain as my friend Sarah, an American citizen, had surgery in Canada several years ago which she paid for out of her own pocket.  I even named the surgeon and said that his clinic was in Montreal.  Sarah went to Canada because this surgeon has an international reputation and he charges several thousand dollars less than any hospital in the U.S. for the same operation.

Now you might think that a “clear thinker” (as Jeff describes himself) would realize that he was simply misinformed about the Canadian health care system and realize that he could therefore be wrong about the effect a similar system would have on the U.S.  In a spectacular display of cognitive dissonance, Jeff conceded that his (possibly apocryphal) “friend’s mother” had been given a health care ration of Zero, but apparently couldn’t see that my wife is going through the same thing in this country.  If a (possibly apocryphal) Canadian dies due to denied health care, it’s a tragedy.  If an American dies for the same reason, it’s OK because who would want to live if living requires *GASP* Universal Health Care?  The rules of logic change when you cross the 49th Parallel, I guess.

Continuing to play along with the story of the “Canadian woman who died because no one would take her money for the private health care that doesn’t exist,” I said that the real cause of her death was ignorance.  I didn’t say she was stupid or unintelligent; I didn’t know the woman (if she even actually existed, that is) so I can have no opinion of her intelligence.  I used the word “ignorant” correctly.  I’m a fairly bright person but there are subjects about which I know little.  I am ignorant about those subjects.  If you live in a country which provides universal health care and you die because you don’t know that fact, you are ignorant.  I’d call that World Class Ignorance.

Instead of conceding that he was factually incorrect about Canadian health care, Jeff sniffed that he knew that any debate with a liberal would eventually result in the liberal calling someone ignorant. 

The really sad thing here is that, even though he was presented with actual FACTS, Jeff has, consciously or unconsciously, decided to remain–yes, I’m going to say it–IGNORANT on this subject.

The point of this little story is not that some guy who I don’t know and will probably never meet doesn’t know what he’s talking about with regard to the real world consequences of America’s shitty health care.  The problem is that he’s just one of millions of America citizens who don’t know diddly and still think they are informed enough to have an opinion.  These are the people you see screaming at the town hall meetings on the TV cable “news” shows.  They don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about…and thanks to the Democrats who can’t or won’t fight back against the tide of stupidity, they’re winning the debate.

It would be laughable if it didn’t have the possibility of killing my wife (and millions of other Americans) prematurely.  I guess I should be glad that my wife doesn’t have to put up with  *GASP* Universal Health Care–you know, the only thing that has the realistic possibility of saving her life.


The Florida state legislature is considering creating a special Jesus license plate for its state’s drivers.  ‘Cause, you know how oppressed Christians are in America.  I mean, if they weren’t, wouldn’t you see churches all over the place and wouldn’t churches have tax exemptions?  Uh, wait…

Anyway, this idea for the Dead Carpenter license plate is completely unconstitutional, but hey, why should THAT stop the Penis State from going through with it?

Since this stupidity probably will sail through the Florida legislature (what politician wants to be against the Son O’ God, after all, especially in the South?), here’s my offer:

Let’s see who has balls in Florida.  Apply for one of the special Jeezus plates with the license “NO GOD.”  If you get it, I’ll pay the state specialty license plate fee.  From what I see on the Florida DMV web site, the fees vary depending on the specific plate, but they tend to run in the $25 range.  OK, it’s not much of an incentive, perhaps, but hey, it won’t cost you anything extra to speak your mind in a way GUARANTEED to get attention.

If you apply for “NO GOD” and they won’t give it to you, I suspect the ACLU will have something to say about it.  Either way, you’ll be a news story, at least short-term.  OK, so who’s going to step up to the plate (nyuk nyuk) in Florida?


A Canadian filmmaker is planning on having a tiny camera installed in his prosthetic eye to make a point about ubiquitous surveillance.

He’s going about this the hard way.  Why doesn’t he just buy a pair of sunglasses with a digital camera built into them, like I got as a present for Christmas?  It works just fine.  I’ve been able to take pictures of people on line in front of me at the supermarket and fast food places without them ever knowing about it.  My fantasy is that I’ll be in a store when it gets robbed so I can take some sneaky pictures of the thieves, which I can then hand over to the police and become the darling of the media, for about fifteen minutes.

Hey, it could happen.

A camera eye


So, you say you don’t believe in evolution.  OK, here’s the deal: you’re a fucking moron.  Evolution is about the best proven theory in the history of science.  Eh, who needs FACTS though when you’ve got a perfectly good book in which snakes talk, people can fit two of every species on Earth onto an ark and sail around aimlessly and a broke-ass carpenter is the Son O’ God.

You don’t believe in evolution?  No problem.  In that case, you won’t be needing that new flu vaccine this year, freeing up the supply for the rest of us who use that grey matter between our ears.  I’ll explain that for you, Superstitious Dipshit.  See, they wouldn’t have to create new vaccines if the flu virus didn’t EVOLVE and become immune to the old ones. 

If you don’t believe in evolution, don’t you fucking DARE get the new updated vaccine or you’re the biggest fucking hypocrite walking upright.  Just suffer with the non-evolved flu you MUST believe in.  Sneeze your ass off and feel like shit for two weeks; taking that new vaccine would be just WRONG, you religiously hypnotized loser.