The Cranky Media Guy

No, that headline is not hyperbole.  I really could end the war in Iraq, if only I had a million bucks or so to spend on the effort.  Since I don’t have that kind of dough lying around, I’ll give you all the concept here in the hopes that some rich guy will pick up on it.

OK, here’s what you do, hypothetical rich guy.  You get yourself booked on Larry King; once you’re on there, you show Jurassic Larry a check for a million dollars and you say,

“I will give this check to the Democratic Party on November 1 if they have forced the removal of at least some of the troops from Iraq by that date.  I’m not talking about efforts that almost worked or fell a few votes short; I’m talking about them actually having started to do the job they were hired by the American public to do.  If they haven’t managed to do that by November 1st, I’ll give the million to the Republicans instead.”

This offer would accomplish two things.  First, you’re dangling the Big Carrot in front of the Democrats.  Secondly, you’re threatening to help their opponents if they don’t get off their asses.  I think the Democrats would go ape shit over this.  Would they dare to accuse you of trying to blackmail them when all you’re doing is attempting to get them to do their fucking jobs??  I think most of the public would cheer you, especially if you made the point that, unlike most big donors to the political parties in this country, you’re not looking for quid pro quo; you aren’t asking them to deregulate your industry, build you a bridge to nowhere or rezone your property.  The hypothetical rich guy should not be afraid of the “blackmail” charge; he should say, “Yeah, I AM blackmailing you.  So what?  Just do your fucking job, end this war and I give you the money.”

If I don’t hit the lottery in the next few weeks (and I admit that the odds on that happening are pretty low), I’m hoping someone like Larry Flynt will come along and take up this cause.  I’m convinced that this offer would throw the current political season into chaos, good chaos.  For once, someone with the public interest in mind would be openly speaking in the only language American politicians understand:  CASH.

What I’d REALLY love to see is several rich people throwing a million each into the pot.  Think the Democrats would be suddenly motivated to stop the excuse-making and actually do something to end the war if there was five or ten million dollars on the line?  I do.

I swear to you that, if a miracle occurs and I actually do win the Powerball in the next several weeks, I will be putting my million bucks on the line.  So, rich people, how serious are you really about ending the war?  You in with me?  Let’s stir the pot and change history for the better at the same time.

BAMN!

This “hip” new restaurant in Greenwich Village looks a whole lot like the old Horn & Hardart Automats that were all over Manhattan when I was a kid.  Back then, they were populated by old people who would sit around all day over a cup of coffee and perhaps a piece of pie.  Now, judging from the picture on the front page, it’s where reasonably attractive girl-next-door types (probably NYU students) congregate.

Anyhoo, I get ideas from time to time that would generate publicity for certain kinds of businesses.  I’m going to put hints to some of them up on this blog, in the hopes that people who actually own those kinds of businesses will pay me to walk them through the idea, thereby profiting from the fruit of my massive brain.  I’m the guy who thought up the idea to “protest” when Binney and Smith changed eight of their Crayola colors, which sold millions of dollars worth of crayons for them.  In 2006, I was the guy who hoaxed the press by pretending to be the winner of the largest-ever Powerball lottery.  That one got me on Good Morning, America (I’ve been on the Today Show, Oprah, Lie Detector and tons of other TV shows, too.  I’ve also been written about in Time, Life and People magazines  as well as the New York Times, The New York Daily News, The New York Post, The Wall Street Journal and USA Today.)

Yes, I have a real idea to get press for this “BAMN!” place.  If you know the owners, or if you ARE the owners, contact me ASAP.  I can give (sell) you an idea that will generate business and publicity for your New Wave Automat. 

California Traffic Safety Institute - CTSI

After stumbling across this list of approved California theme traffic schools, I got an idea: Bondage and Discipline Traffic School.  Can’t you just see the leather-bound mistress/instructor screaming, “What is the speed limit for a school zone, maggot?”