The Cranky Media Guy

Homeland Security Helmet | Invention Lab — Powered by RadioShack®

Yes, that’s me and I won! I am singlehandedly protecting America from the scourge of terrorism. Go ahead and cower in fear, I’ve got your back, Mr. and Mrs. USA.

Seriously, I got an email this evening from the company running the contest for Radio Shack, notifying me that I am one of the Grand Winners. My prize? A $250 gift certificate to Radio Shack. GPS, here I come!

Tim Russert and the ultimate sacrifice

Where were you when you heard that Tim Russert died? That will be the defining question in years to come. Is there a man or woman alive in America today who doesn’t have the answer to that question indelibly burned into their brain?

I for one will never forget how the streets fell silent as news of the death of the host of the little-watched Sunday morning show Meet The Press reached the masses. Men spontaneously burst into flames as pregnant women went into labor from the shock of hearing that a millionaire public affairs program host passed away.

Russert gave so much in presiding over the show that Dick Cheney referred to as the best venue for Republicans to go on to promote their agenda, receiving only a paltry several million dollars a year in compensation. He was reluctant to talk about it, but his touch could cure leprosy. He regularly ordered his driver to take his limo through ghetto streets so he could throw hundred-dollar bills out the window to the less fortunate. During commercial breaks on Meet The Press, he suckled orphans with his ample man-breasts. Tim Russert was, in short, the finest human being who ever lived.

By presidential decree, starting in 2009, all work will cease at the exact minute when he died for one hour. Television stations will go dark and no commercial flights will be allowed over America’s skies on the anniversary of his death. In his honor, the month of June will be renamed Russert. Parents who name their children, male or female, “Tim” will receive a tax-free gift of five thousand dollars and government jobs from which they cannot be fired.

I’ve been saying for years now that these “non-lethal” weapons you keep reading and seeing news stories about are NOT for deployment against people who wear funny-looking costumes in some other country where everybody rides to work on a camel but for protesters right here in the good ol’ US. of A.

I started thinking like that a few years back when I saw a commercial for the U.S. Army which talked about our soldiers as “peacekeepers” and showed them riding around in a tank-like conveyance. Funny thing: the streets the tank-looking thing was moving along looked more like an American ghetto than some place full of furriners. A little bell went off in my head. Lo and behold, I just read the following:

Ray Gun for Taming America

Remember the news stories about iPorn a couple of years ago? Fake. Much of what makes the local and national news is fake. One “journalist” joked, “I’m off to do WhoreTV.” And it would be funnier if it weren’t true. No time for reporting about how the vice president said that he doesn’t care what the American people think. No time to mention that deaths are down in Iraq because the Pentagon, by its own admission, stopped counting a large percentage of killings. Nope, we can’t spare the precious seconds of airtime because we have that late breaking Jesus on driveway stain story to cover.

How local TV embraced fake news - Machinist - Salon.com

…to tell this asshole preacher to go fuck himself.  It can’t be offensive to God ’cause His son told me to say it!

God hates tolerance, says official California chaplain.

An evangelical chaplain who leads Bible studies for California lawmakers says God is disgusted with a rival fellowship group that includes people of all faiths.