Monthly Archives: April 2008

AT THE RISK OF SEEMING IMMODEST…

I’ve just figured something out. At the risk of seeming immodest, I’m WAY more creative than the people who run the “guerrilla marketing” companies whose websites I’ve seen on the Internet.

Sorry, geniuses, but hiring “street teams” via Craigslist is NOT cutting-edge. (For the uninitiated, “street teams” are attractive young people who walk around high-traffic areas and hand out fliers about their employer’s client. Yup, that’s it.) Illegally slapping up posters that look like street graffiti might have been a cool idea about ten years ago, but that ship’s sailed.

There are probably a million things I suck at, including intermediate algebra, but coming up with original creative ideas which can promote products and people’s careers isn’t one of them. About three weeks ago, I came up with an idea which is apparently going to be used by a young artist to promote his career. I can’t talk about it yet, but I’ll let you know if and when he actually does it and makes the news. Just yesterday, a friend asked me if I had an idea that could help a friend of his promote her diet book. Yes, I did have one as a matter of fact, a damn good one. If the author doesn’t go for it, she’s out of her friggin’ mind, it’s that good.

After looking at what passes for “guerrilla marketing” in America today, I decided on a new goal for my life. I want to become the King of Publicity Stunts. I don’t even want to call what I do “guerrilla marketing”; that’s a pretentious euphemism for good old fashioned publicity stunts. Let’s just call things what they are without the Web 2.0 nonsense, shall we?

So, who needs a good publicity stunt in their life? Any radio DJ’s out there who are getting overlooked by their corporate management? I feel your pain, I’ve been there. Any small retailers who need to get some press? Who are you, where are you? Holla at your boy (don’t you hate it when white guys try to be cool?)

iF YOU OWN ANY STOCK IN THIS “SPORT,” SELL!

This is further proof that a lot of “experts” don’t have Clue One. This guy was a Big Time executive at HBO and he’s putting money into this basketball/trampoline hybrid, which has already failed once. Here’s my newest Rule of Business: if it couldn’t increase the audience on Spike Friggin’ TV last time it was tried, it’s a bad idea.

Hey, Mr. Albrecht, where did you get the idea that people are tired of the already existing sports? Personally, I’m not hearing guys saying that they’re bored with football, baseball, basketball (the normal kind that doesn’t involve trampolines, that is), hockey, lacrosse and foosball. Even if there is some disaffected audience jonesing for a new sport, what makes you think what they want is B-ball players not good enough for the NBA bouncing on trampolines and crashing into each other?

But maybe I’m wrong and this “SlamBall” will become a huge hit. And maybe monkeys will fly out of my ass. I hope you got a solid gold parachute from HBO when they canned you after you beat your girlfriend in that Vegas parking lot while you were on a bender, Mr. Albrecht. You’re gonna need it.

Ex-HBO Executive Stakes His Comeback on SlamBall