Yes, that’s me and I won! I am singlehandedly protecting America from the scourge of terrorism. Go ahead and cower in fear, I’ve got your back, Mr. and Mrs. USA.

Seriously, I got an email this evening from the company running the contest for Radio Shack, notifying me that I am one of the Grand Winners. My prize? A $250 gift certificate to Radio Shack. GPS, here I come!

So, this guy in Perth, Australia is auctioning off his entire life. Wow, trading your life in, what a great idea. Gee, I wish I thought of that. Oh, yeah, I did. Twice, actually.

Back in the 1980’s, I got an article in the Express-Times newspaper (then known as the Express) in the Lehigh Valley (Allentown) area of Pennsylvania. I was looking for a celebrity, someone nationally or internationally known in show business, sports or politics to have their name legally changed to mine. If Johnny Carson were to do that, for example, from that point on, the show would be called the Tonight Show with Bob Pagani. That way I could be vicariously famous.

In the 1990’s, I was written about in the Washington Post for offering to trade lives with someone. So, like I said, basically I invented this whole “ditching your life” thing years ago.

My big mistake was coming up with this idea before the Internet really kicked in. This Aussie guy is benefiting from the existence of eBay. I didn’t have that luxury, unfortunately (although I did get some publicity for both of my efforts).

Hey, the breaks are the breaks. I’ve gotten a lot of ink for some of my crazy concepts over the years, so I’m not really complaining. Chances are, this is the one and only time this Perth guy will get this kind of attention. Me, on the other hand, I’ll keep turning up in the press like a bad penny, about once a year on average. A boy needs a hobby, right?

Where were you when you heard that Tim Russert died? That will be the defining question in years to come. Is there a man or woman alive in America today who doesn’t have the answer to that question indelibly burned into their brain?

I for one will never forget how the streets fell silent as news of the death of the host of the little-watched Sunday morning show Meet The Press reached the masses. Men spontaneously burst into flames as pregnant women went into labor from the shock of hearing that a millionaire public affairs program host passed away.

Russert gave so much in presiding over the show that Dick Cheney referred to as the best venue for Republicans to go on to promote their agenda, receiving only a paltry several million dollars a year in compensation. He was reluctant to talk about it, but his touch could cure leprosy. He regularly ordered his driver to take his limo through ghetto streets so he could throw hundred-dollar bills out the window to the less fortunate. During commercial breaks on Meet The Press, he suckled orphans with his ample man-breasts. Tim Russert was, in short, the finest human being who ever lived.

By presidential decree, starting in 2009, all work will cease at the exact minute when he died for one hour. Television stations will go dark and no commercial flights will be allowed over America’s skies on the anniversary of his death. In his honor, the month of June will be renamed Russert. Parents who name their children, male or female, “Tim” will receive a tax-free gift of five thousand dollars and government jobs from which they cannot be fired.

Sorry, geniuses, but hiring “street teams” via Craigslist is NOT cutting-edge. (For the uninitiated, “street teams” are attractive young people who walk around high-traffic areas and hand out fliers about their employer’s client. Yup, that’s it.) Illegally slapping up posters that look like street graffiti might have been a cool idea about ten years ago, but that ship’s sailed.

There are probably a million things I suck at, including intermediate algebra, but coming up with original creative ideas which can promote products and people’s careers isn’t one of them. About three weeks ago, I came up with an idea which is apparently going to be used by a young artist to promote his career. I can’t talk about it yet, but I’ll let you know if and when he actually does it and makes the news. Just yesterday, a friend asked me if I had an idea that could help a friend of his promote her diet book. Yes, I did have one as a matter of fact, a damn good one. If the author doesn’t go for it, she’s out of her friggin’ mind, it’s that good.

After looking at what passes for “guerrilla marketing” in America today, I decided on a new goal for my life. I want to become the King of Publicity Stunts. I don’t even want to call what I do “guerrilla marketing”; that’s a pretentious euphemism for good old fashioned publicity stunts. Let’s just call things what they are without the Web 2.0 nonsense, shall we?

So, who needs a good publicity stunt in their life? Any radio DJ’s out there who are getting overlooked by their corporate management? I feel your pain, I’ve been there. Any small retailers who need to get some press? Who are you, where are you? Holla at your boy (don’t you hate it when white guys try to be cool?)

Hey, Mr. Albrecht, where did you get the idea that people are tired of the already existing sports? Personally, I’m not hearing guys saying that they’re bored with football, baseball, basketball (the normal kind that doesn’t involve trampolines, that is), hockey, lacrosse and foosball. Even if there is some disaffected audience jonesing for a new sport, what makes you think what they want is B-ball players not good enough for the NBA bouncing on trampolines and crashing into each other?

But maybe I’m wrong and this “SlamBall” will become a huge hit. And maybe monkeys will fly out of my ass. I hope you got a solid gold parachute from HBO when they canned you after you beat your girlfriend in that Vegas parking lot while you were on a bender, Mr. Albrecht. You’re gonna need it.

Ex-HBO Executive Stakes His Comeback on SlamBall

I started thinking like that a few years back when I saw a commercial for the U.S. Army which talked about our soldiers as “peacekeepers” and showed them riding around in a tank-like conveyance. Funny thing: the streets the tank-looking thing was moving along looked more like an American ghetto than some place full of furriners. A little bell went off in my head. Lo and behold, I just read the following:

Ray Gun for Taming America

How local TV embraced fake news - Machinist - Salon.com

God hates tolerance, says official California chaplain.

An evangelical chaplain who leads Bible studies for California lawmakers says God is disgusted with a rival fellowship group that includes people of all faiths.

Play Security Checkpoint.

Read the comments on this product.

Of course, there’s always the possibility that how they actually met doesn’t line up with your fantasy version of how it happened, which would, of course, ruin your entire thesis.

So, you do the laziest thing possible, which is to simply not bother to try to find out how they met and just go with your science fiction version of the Obamas’ first encounter.  It’s fun to play pretend, isn’t it?  That’s why small children do it. - [Link]

Well, I’ve always said that the modern incarnation of fascism wouldn’t come with a shouting dictator but with a smiley face and a corporate logo - and here we are: Terror toys: Scan-It X-Ray Machine the Ugly Face of 21st-Century Toys. Yep, for todays young-uns, nothing is more fun than violating the privacy of their fellow citizens. I understand that the brown shirts and armbands are sold separately, but it does come with pair of rubber gloves for the mandatory body cavity search.

What’s next, a home waterboarding kit?

Yeah, you have to assume Revver’s debt, but still…  I’m tempted to sell the Double Cranky Ranch (goats and all) and buy the damn thing myself just for the Hell of it.  It’ll be Revver 2.0 where all videos involve a Mexican wrestling mask.

Video site Revver shopping itself for a song

They were suicide bombers, right?  That means they blew themselves up.  Into teensy tiny bits.  So, how the hell does anyone know they had Down Syndrome?  You’d be lucky to be able to identify their gender after they went kaboom.

Every news outlet went with the Down Syndrome story as if it was Gospel, though.  Did you hear, read or see one single word expressing the slightest doubt about the Down Syndrome thing?  Nope, you didn’t.  It was reported as if it was a fact, like the Sun rising in the East.

Oh, but the crazy Iraqi terrorists are SO crazy that they used retarded people as suicide bombers.  Um, excuse me for asking a question, but why would they need to do that?  It doesn’t seem to me as if there’s any shortage of NON-retarded religious fanatic nutjobs over there to cause them to have to resort to Operation Strap Bombs to the Retards.

My theory is simple: someone in the American military or intelligence simply made up the Down Syndrome story.  It’s intended to make the crazy religious fanatic nutjobs look even crazier.  Remember the story during the first Gulf War about Iraqi soldiers taking newborn infants out of their incubators and thrown onto the floor?  Remember how the girl who told that story to Congress turned out to be the daughter of an ambassador and the whole story was fictitious?  Oh, you didn’t hear that second part?  Well, it’s correct, I’m not making it up.  The whole “throwing babies on the floor” thing was bullshit, designed to whip up anti-Iraqi fervor on the part of the American public.

I’m smelling the same big rat with this Down Syndrome suicide bomber story.  Now that a majority of the American public wants our troops to be brought home, it’s time to make the crazy Mohammad lovers look even crazier to get people to want our military to bomb the living shit out of them again.  I’m predicting some kind of ramped-up offensive on the part of the U.S. military any day now. 

Seriously, folks, isn’t it time we wised up to the fact that our government is currently run by people who will tell any lie about anyone at any time when it’s advantageous for them?  They aren’t nice people, even if they do wear little American flag lapel pins. 

I hadn’t realized that; I don’t see the list of postings when I add one.  Anyway, I agree that I have more than made my “point” (assuming I ever had one, that is) about crystal-encrusted crap. 

OK, it’s time to move on.  No more crystals for me.  I have thoughts on a lot of other subjects; I guess I’ve just been too disgusted with things to articulate them in print.  I’m going to open the floodgates now…and may God have mercy on all our souls.