So, this guy in Perth, Australia is auctioning off his entire life. Wow, trading your life in, what a great idea. Gee, I wish I thought of that. Oh, yeah, I did. Twice, actually.

Back in the 1980′s, I got an article in the Express-Times newspaper (then known as the Express) in the Lehigh Valley (Allentown) area of Pennsylvania. I was looking for a celebrity, someone nationally or internationally known in show business, sports or politics to have their name legally changed to mine. If Johnny Carson were to do that, for example, from that point on, the show would be called the Tonight Show with Bob Pagani. That way I could be vicariously famous.

In the 1990′s, I was written about in the Washington Post for offering to trade lives with someone. So, like I said, basically I invented this whole “ditching your life” thing years ago.

My big mistake was coming up with this idea before the Internet really kicked in. This Aussie guy is benefiting from the existence of eBay. I didn’t have that luxury, unfortunately (although I did get some publicity for both of my efforts).

Hey, the breaks are the breaks. I’ve gotten a lot of ink for some of my crazy concepts over the years, so I’m not really complaining. Chances are, this is the one and only time this Perth guy will get this kind of attention. Me, on the other hand, I’ll keep turning up in the press like a bad penny, about once a year on average. A boy needs a hobby, right?

Sorry, geniuses, but hiring “street teams” via Craigslist is NOT cutting-edge. (For the uninitiated, “street teams” are attractive young people who walk around high-traffic areas and hand out fliers about their employer’s client. Yup, that’s it.) Illegally slapping up posters that look like street graffiti might have been a cool idea about ten years ago, but that ship’s sailed.

There are probably a million things I suck at, including intermediate algebra, but coming up with original creative ideas which can promote products and people’s careers isn’t one of them. About three weeks ago, I came up with an idea which is apparently going to be used by a young artist to promote his career. I can’t talk about it yet, but I’ll let you know if and when he actually does it and makes the news. Just yesterday, a friend asked me if I had an idea that could help a friend of his promote her diet book. Yes, I did have one as a matter of fact, a damn good one. If the author doesn’t go for it, she’s out of her friggin’ mind, it’s that good.

After looking at what passes for “guerrilla marketing” in America today, I decided on a new goal for my life. I want to become the King of Publicity Stunts. I don’t even want to call what I do “guerrilla marketing”; that’s a pretentious euphemism for good old fashioned publicity stunts. Let’s just call things what they are without the Web 2.0 nonsense, shall we?

So, who needs a good publicity stunt in their life? Any radio DJ’s out there who are getting overlooked by their corporate management? I feel your pain, I’ve been there. Any small retailers who need to get some press? Who are you, where are you? Holla at your boy (don’t you hate it when white guys try to be cool?)

OK, here’s what you do, hypothetical rich guy.  You get yourself booked on Larry King; once you’re on there, you show Jurassic Larry a check for a million dollars and you say,

“I will give this check to the Democratic Party on November 1 if they have forced the removal of at least some of the troops from Iraq by that date.  I’m not talking about efforts that almost worked or fell a few votes short; I’m talking about them actually having started to do the job they were hired by the American public to do.  If they haven’t managed to do that by November 1st, I’ll give the million to the Republicans instead.”

This offer would accomplish two things.  First, you’re dangling the Big Carrot in front of the Democrats.  Secondly, you’re threatening to help their opponents if they don’t get off their asses.  I think the Democrats would go ape shit over this.  Would they dare to accuse you of trying to blackmail them when all you’re doing is attempting to get them to do their fucking jobs??  I think most of the public would cheer you, especially if you made the point that, unlike most big donors to the political parties in this country, you’re not looking for quid pro quo; you aren’t asking them to deregulate your industry, build you a bridge to nowhere or rezone your property.  The hypothetical rich guy should not be afraid of the “blackmail” charge; he should say, “Yeah, I AM blackmailing you.  So what?  Just do your fucking job, end this war and I give you the money.”

If I don’t hit the lottery in the next few weeks (and I admit that the odds on that happening are pretty low), I’m hoping someone like Larry Flynt will come along and take up this cause.  I’m convinced that this offer would throw the current political season into chaos, good chaos.  For once, someone with the public interest in mind would be openly speaking in the only language American politicians understand:  CASH.

What I’d REALLY love to see is several rich people throwing a million each into the pot.  Think the Democrats would be suddenly motivated to stop the excuse-making and actually do something to end the war if there was five or ten million dollars on the line?  I do.

I swear to you that, if a miracle occurs and I actually do win the Powerball in the next several weeks, I will be putting my million bucks on the line.  So, rich people, how serious are you really about ending the war?  You in with me?  Let’s stir the pot and change history for the better at the same time.

Am I going to tell it to you here?  Nope.  Why not?  Well, it’s something that any producer could do IF they thought of it, which they won’t.  The whole thing is in the concept, essentially.  You want to know how to make an hour of TV for little more than a half-hour costs you?  Pay me!

Trust me, this thing is genius in the right hands. 

If this “movie” really gets made, I have some ads from magazines where I drew mustaches on all the girls in them that I’m willing to option for only one million bucks.  Then, Mr. Producer, all you have to do is hire some hack from Writers Guild West and have him whip up a script.  It’s GOTTA do at least as much business its first weekend as Grindhouse did.  AND it won’t run THREE FRIGGIN’ HOURS, which means more screenings per day (more money for you)!

This “hip” new restaurant in Greenwich Village looks a whole lot like the old Horn & Hardart Automats that were all over Manhattan when I was a kid.  Back then, they were populated by old people who would sit around all day over a cup of coffee and perhaps a piece of pie.  Now, judging from the picture on the front page, it’s where reasonably attractive girl-next-door types (probably NYU students) congregate.

Anyhoo, I get ideas from time to time that would generate publicity for certain kinds of businesses.  I’m going to put hints to some of them up on this blog, in the hopes that people who actually own those kinds of businesses will pay me to walk them through the idea, thereby profiting from the fruit of my massive brain.  I’m the guy who thought up the idea to “protest” when Binney and Smith changed eight of their Crayola colors, which sold millions of dollars worth of crayons for them.  In 2006, I was the guy who hoaxed the press by pretending to be the winner of the largest-ever Powerball lottery.  That one got me on Good Morning, America (I’ve been on the Today Show, Oprah, Lie Detector and tons of other TV shows, too.  I’ve also been written about in Time, Life and People magazines  as well as the New York Times, The New York Daily News, The New York Post, The Wall Street Journal and USA Today.)

Yes, I have a real idea to get press for this “BAMN!” place.  If you know the owners, or if you ARE the owners, contact me ASAP.  I can give (sell) you an idea that will generate business and publicity for your New Wave Automat. 

After stumbling across this list of approved California theme traffic schools, I got an idea: Bondage and Discipline Traffic School.  Can’t you just see the leather-bound mistress/instructor screaming, “What is the speed limit for a school zone, maggot?”