Tag Archives: Pop Culture

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN YOU HEARD TIM RUSSERT DIED?

Tim Russert and the ultimate sacrifice

Where were you when you heard that Tim Russert died? That will be the defining question in years to come. Is there a man or woman alive in America today who doesn’t have the answer to that question indelibly burned into their brain?

I for one will never forget how the streets fell silent as news of the death of the host of the little-watched Sunday morning show Meet The Press reached the masses. Men spontaneously burst into flames as pregnant women went into labor from the shock of hearing that a millionaire public affairs program host passed away.

Russert gave so much in presiding over the show that Dick Cheney referred to as the best venue for Republicans to go on to promote their agenda, receiving only a paltry several million dollars a year in compensation. He was reluctant to talk about it, but his touch could cure leprosy. He regularly ordered his driver to take his limo through ghetto streets so he could throw hundred-dollar bills out the window to the less fortunate. During commercial breaks on Meet The Press, he suckled orphans with his ample man-breasts. Tim Russert was, in short, the finest human being who ever lived.

By presidential decree, starting in 2009, all work will cease at the exact minute when he died for one hour. Television stations will go dark and no commercial flights will be allowed over America’s skies on the anniversary of his death. In his honor, the month of June will be renamed Russert. Parents who name their children, male or female, “Tim” will receive a tax-free gift of five thousand dollars and government jobs from which they cannot be fired.

BROWN SHIRTS AND ARMBANDS SOLD SEPARATELY

This is the kind of story that I might consider a hoax because it is so ridiculous. If only…

Well, I’ve always said that the modern incarnation of fascism wouldn’t come with a shouting dictator but with a smiley face and a corporate logo – and here we are: Terror toys: Scan-It X-Ray Machine the Ugly Face of 21st-Century Toys. Yep, for todays young-uns, nothing is more fun than violating the privacy of their fellow citizens. I understand that the brown shirts and armbands are sold separately, but it does come with pair of rubber gloves for the mandatory body cavity search.

What’s next, a home waterboarding kit?

POUR SOME BLEACH INTO MY EYES, NOW!

Do I even need to explain anymore that covering some mediocre piece of hardware with Swarovsky (it’s always Swarovsky) crystals does not immediately transform it into something good?

Oh, why do I even try?  They’re just going to keep making this shit, no matter what I (or anyone else) says.  I should just put a bullet into my skull and hope that I get buried in a Swarovsky crystal-covered casket.  Hey, maybe I can find Swarovsky crystal-encrusted bullets!  Very ironic way to go, wouldn’t you say?

Crystal-Encrusted Toaster –  Neiman Marcus

“SWAROVSKY” IS POLISH FOR “SHIT RICH PEOPLE BUY”

I won’t say yet again that dipping a turd in Swarovsky (it’s ALWAYS Swarovsky) crystals only results in a crystal-covered turd. Actually, I’ve never said that exact thing before, but I’ve kind of implied it.  Anyway, the sentiment stands.

Wake me when someone actually buys one of these things so I can stalk them and kill them when no one’s looking.  Even if I got caught, I can’t imagine any jury convicting me.  Certainly not a jury composed of people who work for a fucking living, anyway.

With each passing day, that whole French Revolution thing looks better and better.

iPod nano 3gen
NEC Hello Kitty laptop LaVie G decorated with Swarovski Crystals – Fareastgizmos.com