Category Archives: Ideas

Become a celebrity or promote your business with real, out of the box ideas. This from a guy who has been in more newspapers and magazines and on more TV shows than anyone you know.

ANYONE IN FLORIDA HAVE BALLS? THIS IS A SERIOUS OFFER!

The Florida state legislature is considering creating a special Jesus license plate for its state’s drivers.  ‘Cause, you know how oppressed Christians are in America.  I mean, if they weren’t, wouldn’t you see churches all over the place and wouldn’t churches have tax exemptions?  Uh, wait…

Anyway, this idea for the Dead Carpenter license plate is completely unconstitutional, but hey, why should THAT stop the Penis State from going through with it?

Since this stupidity probably will sail through the Florida legislature (what politician wants to be against the Son O’ God, after all, especially in the South?), here’s my offer:

Let’s see who has balls in Florida.  Apply for one of the special Jeezus plates with the license “NO GOD.”  If you get it, I’ll pay the state specialty license plate fee.  From what I see on the Florida DMV web site, the fees vary depending on the specific plate, but they tend to run in the $25 range.  OK, it’s not much of an incentive, perhaps, but hey, it won’t cost you anything extra to speak your mind in a way GUARANTEED to get attention.

If you apply for “NO GOD” and they won’t give it to you, I suspect the ACLU will have something to say about it.  Either way, you’ll be a news story, at least short-term.  OK, so who’s going to step up to the plate (nyuk nyuk) in Florida?

I CAN END THE WAR IN IRAQ

No, that headline is not hyperbole.  I really could end the war in Iraq, if only I had a million bucks or so to spend on the effort.  Since I don’t have that kind of dough lying around, I’ll give you all the concept here in the hopes that some rich guy will pick up on it.

OK, here’s what you do, hypothetical rich guy.  You get yourself booked on Larry King; once you’re on there, you show Jurassic Larry a check for a million dollars and you say,

“I will give this check to the Democratic Party on November 1 if they have forced the removal of at least some of the troops from Iraq by that date.  I’m not talking about efforts that almost worked or fell a few votes short; I’m talking about them actually having started to do the job they were hired by the American public to do.  If they haven’t managed to do that by November 1st, I’ll give the million to the Republicans instead.”

This offer would accomplish two things.  First, you’re dangling the Big Carrot in front of the Democrats.  Secondly, you’re threatening to help their opponents if they don’t get off their asses.  I think the Democrats would go ape shit over this.  Would they dare to accuse you of trying to blackmail them when all you’re doing is attempting to get them to do their fucking jobs??  I think most of the public would cheer you, especially if you made the point that, unlike most big donors to the political parties in this country, you’re not looking for quid pro quo; you aren’t asking them to deregulate your industry, build you a bridge to nowhere or rezone your property.  The hypothetical rich guy should not be afraid of the “blackmail” charge; he should say, “Yeah, I AM blackmailing you.  So what?  Just do your fucking job, end this war and I give you the money.”

If I don’t hit the lottery in the next few weeks (and I admit that the odds on that happening are pretty low), I’m hoping someone like Larry Flynt will come along and take up this cause.  I’m convinced that this offer would throw the current political season into chaos, good chaos.  For once, someone with the public interest in mind would be openly speaking in the only language American politicians understand:  CASH.

What I’d REALLY love to see is several rich people throwing a million each into the pot.  Think the Democrats would be suddenly motivated to stop the excuse-making and actually do something to end the war if there was five or ten million dollars on the line?  I do.

I swear to you that, if a miracle occurs and I actually do win the Powerball in the next several weeks, I will be putting my million bucks on the line.  So, rich people, how serious are you really about ending the war?  You in with me?  Let’s stir the pot and change history for the better at the same time.

OK, SO I GET THESE IDEAS FROM TIME TO TIME, RIGHT?

BAMN!

This “hip” new restaurant in Greenwich Village looks a whole lot like the old Horn & Hardart Automats that were all over Manhattan when I was a kid.  Back then, they were populated by old people who would sit around all day over a cup of coffee and perhaps a piece of pie.  Now, judging from the picture on the front page, it’s where reasonably attractive girl-next-door types (probably NYU students) congregate.

Anyhoo, I get ideas from time to time that would generate publicity for certain kinds of businesses.  I’m going to put hints to some of them up on this blog, in the hopes that people who actually own those kinds of businesses will pay me to walk them through the idea, thereby profiting from the fruit of my massive brain.  I’m the guy who thought up the idea to “protest” when Binney and Smith changed eight of their Crayola colors, which sold millions of dollars worth of crayons for them.  In 2006, I was the guy who hoaxed the press by pretending to be the winner of the largest-ever Powerball lottery.  That one got me on Good Morning, America (I’ve been on the Today Show, Oprah, Lie Detector and tons of other TV shows, too.  I’ve also been written about in Time, Life and People magazines  as well as the New York Times, The New York Daily News, The New York Post, The Wall Street Journal and USA Today.)

Yes, I have a real idea to get press for this “BAMN!” place.  If you know the owners, or if you ARE the owners, contact me ASAP.  I can give (sell) you an idea that will generate business and publicity for your New Wave Automat.