The Cranky Media Guy» Pop Culture

A QUICK WORD WITH THOSE OF YOU WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION

Uncle Bob Pagani — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 10:40:23 +0000

So, you say you don’t believe in evolution. OK, here’s the deal: you’re a fucking moron. Evolution is about the best proven theory in the history of science. Eh, who needs FACTS though when you’ve got a perfectly good book in which snakes talk, people can fit two of every species on Earth onto an ark and sail around aimlessly and a broke-ass carpenter is the Son O’ God.

You don’t believe in evolution? No problem. In that case, you won’t be needing that new flu vaccine this year, freeing up the supply for the rest of us who use that grey matter between our ears. I’ll explain that for you, Superstitious Dipshit. See, they wouldn’t have to create new vaccines if the flu virus didn’t EVOLVE and become immune to the old ones.

If you don’t believe in evolution, don’t you fucking DARE get the new updated vaccine or you’re the biggest fucking hypocrite walking upright. Just suffer with the non-evolved flu you MUST believe in. Sneeze your ass off and feel like shit for two weeks; taking that new vaccine would be just WRONG, you religiously hypnotized loser.

SHE’S OFFFERED TO BREAST FEED THE ENTIRE THIRD WORLD

Uncle Bob Pagani — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 23:32:43 +0000

OK, seriously, does even the most devoted “breast man” find this attractive? Giant Breast Woman sheylahershey.net

THIS IS SUCH A BRILLIANT IDEA THAT I WISH I THOUGHT OF IT. OH WAIT, I DID.

Uncle Bob Pagani — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 07:25:05 +0000

Man offered $2.2m for his life in Australia

So, this guy in Perth, Australia is auctioning off his entire life. Wow, trading your life in, what a great idea. Gee, I wish I thought of that. Oh, yeah, I did. Twice, actually.

Back in the 1980′s, I got an article in the Express-Times newspaper (then known as the Express) in the Lehigh Valley (Allentown) area of Pennsylvania. I was looking for a celebrity, someone nationally or internationally known in show business, sports or politics to have their name legally changed to mine. If Johnny Carson were to do that, for example, from that point on, the show would be called the Tonight Show with Bob Pagani. That way I could be vicariously famous.

In the 1990′s, I was written about in the Washington Post for offering to trade lives with someone. So, like I said, basically I invented this whole “ditching your life” thing years ago.

My big mistake was coming up with this idea before the Internet really kicked in. This Aussie guy is benefiting from the existence of eBay. I didn’t have that luxury, unfortunately (although I did get some publicity for both of my efforts).

Hey, the breaks are the breaks. I’ve gotten a lot of ink for some of my crazy concepts over the years, so I’m not really complaining. Chances are, this is the one and only time this Perth guy will get this kind of attention. Me, on the other hand, I’ll keep turning up in the press like a bad penny, about once a year on average. A boy needs a hobby, right?

iF YOU OWN ANY STOCK IN THIS “SPORT,” SELL!

Uncle Bob Pagani — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 00:48:54 +0000

This is further proof that a lot of “experts” don’t have Clue One. This guy was a Big Time executive at HBO and he’s putting money into this basketball/trampoline hybrid, which has already failed once. Here’s my newest Rule of Business: if it couldn’t increase the audience on Spike Friggin’ TV last time it was tried, it’s a bad idea.

Hey, Mr. Albrecht, where did you get the idea that people are tired of the already existing sports? Personally, I’m not hearing guys saying that they’re bored with football, baseball, basketball (the normal kind that doesn’t involve trampolines, that is), hockey, lacrosse and foosball. Even if there is some disaffected audience jonesing for a new sport, what makes you think what they want is B-ball players not good enough for the NBA bouncing on trampolines and crashing into each other?

But maybe I’m wrong and this “SlamBall” will become a huge hit. And maybe monkeys will fly out of my ass. I hope you got a solid gold parachute from HBO when they canned you after you beat your girlfriend in that Vegas parking lot while you were on a bender, Mr. Albrecht. You’re gonna need it.

Ex-HBO Executive Stakes His Comeback on SlamBall

PREPARING AMERICA’S CHILDREN FOR THEIR FUTURE LOW-PAYING JOBS

Uncle Bob Pagani — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 09:13:16 +0000

..and for the fascist future, too. Play Security Checkpoint. Read the comments on this product.

BROWN SHIRTS AND ARMBANDS SOLD SEPARATELY

Uncle Bob Pagani — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 11:42:38 +0000

This is the kind of story that I might consider a hoax because it is so ridiculous. If only…

Well, I’ve always said that the modern incarnation of fascism wouldn’t come with a shouting dictator but with a smiley face and a corporate logo – and here we are: Terror toys: Scan-It X-Ray Machine the Ugly Face of 21st-Century Toys. Yep, for todays young-uns, nothing is more fun than violating the privacy of their fellow citizens. I understand that the brown shirts and armbands are sold separately, but it does come with pair of rubber gloves for the mandatory body cavity search.

What’s next, a home waterboarding kit?

POUR SOME BLEACH INTO MY EYES, NOW!

Uncle Bob Pagani — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 10:49:03 +0000

Do I even need to explain anymore that covering some mediocre piece of hardware with Swarovsky (it’s always Swarovsky) crystals does not immediately transform it into something good? Oh, why do I even try? They’re just going to keep making this shit, no matter what I (or anyone else) says. I should just put a [...]

APPARENTLY, THIS POINT CANNOT BE MADE OFTEN ENOUGH

Uncle Bob Pagani — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 01:05:41 +0000

Dipping a turd in Swarovsky (it’s always Swarovsky!) crystals only results in a crystal-encrusted turd.Hello Kitty Laptop with Swarovsky crystals.

ANGELINA JOLIE IS MUCH BETTER THAN THAT OLD HAG, MOTHER TERESA. BY “BETTER,” I MEAN “HOTTER” OF COURSE.

Uncle Bob Pagani — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 08:29:04 +0000

What, like there’s some OTHER kind of “better?” Just going by lippage, Angie has the old nun beat beyond belief. Don’t believe me? Look me in the eyes and tell me you’ve ever, even once, fantasized about Mother Teresa® giving you a BJ. By the way, if you actually have fantasized about getting oral sex [...]

ALL I CAN SAY ABOUT THIS IS…

Uncle Bob Pagani — Sat, 22 Sep 2007 07:47:01 +0000

…it’s a sad day when a pretty blond with big tits can’t hold onto a job at a major network. This is NOT the America I know! Amanda Congdon and ABC Part Ways

OK, IS THIS THE GUY’S REAL NAME?

Uncle Bob Pagani — Sat, 22 Sep 2007 00:38:53 +0000

I’m not superstitious, but if I was the executive considering hiring Cameron Death for a job at my company, I suspect my pen hand would hesitate for just a moment before I signed the paperwork. Does he EVER get over the snickering from the desk clerk every time he signs into a hotel? “Here’s your [...]

MY DAD WAS RIGHT: IT DOESN’T PAY TO WORK FOR A LIVING IN AMERICA

Uncle Bob Pagani — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 08:30:19 +0000

So this little prick James Frey wrote a book that was supposed to be non-fiction about his life. Uh, not so much. Funny story, it turns out that basically he made up a LOT of bullshit and the little that had any basis in fact was wildly exaggerated. In so doing, he pissed off The Oprah who had selected his book for her Book Club. An Oprah pissed is a frightening thing to behold.

In a rational country, this asshole’s next job would involve wearing a blue apron and saying, “Welcome to Wal-Mart” a lot. We do not live, however, in a rational country.

My Dad used to say, “You’ll never get ahead working for a living in America.” Dad was right. Work for a living, put in an honest day’s labor and you’ll die broke, and non-famous. Lie your ass off, perhaps braving the wrath of The Oprah in the process, however, and when the dust settles, HarperCollins Publishers will give you a big box of money for your next book.

Hasn’t anyone thought about the message this sends to The Children? You know, The Children that we’re all so fucking concerned about. Yeah, those The Children.

OK, since no one else is thinking about The Children, I’ll do it.

Hey, kids, Uncle Bob here. Listen, I’m going to tell you how things really are. Don’t bother getting a job with a big corporation on the assumption that it must be stable since it’s so big and all. Ask your parents (or check Wikipedia) about Enron. It was the sixth-largest corporation in America and it was a total sham which, when it folded, left all its employees and investors hanging. Fuck that noise.

Figure out some scam that won’t get your ass thrown into jail if you get caught and ride that mofo for all its worth. Become a “psychic” who gets booked on TV shows; write an “autobiography” about how your Mom was a crack addict shemale; run for office as a “family values” Republican politician. In other words, LIE YOUR ASS OFF.

Not only are the odds that you won’t get caught, if you DO, so what? Here’s the dirty little secret about life: IT ISN’T ILLEGAL TO LIE. Getting caught doing any of the things I suggested will not only NOT send your ass to jail, it will give your celebrity and income a boost. Who gives a shit if The Oprah chews you out on TV? So fucking what? You’ve never had a black woman give you some static before? Just put on your pious, I’ll-never-do-it-again face and let her do her “Oh no you di’n't” shit. It’ll pay off in the long run with increased book sales.

Above all, DO NOT go to work for some big company where you’ll rapidly become a cypher who will get handed his or her pink slip as soon as the Chinese factory that makes the shit it sells gets caught poisoning the kids who nag their folks for it. Fuck that! Take the reins of your life into your own hands. Get your ass on the only sure path to success in America. Lie.

James Frey’s First Novel Gives Him a Second Chance – WSJ.com

THE OPRAH NEEDS TO GET WAY THE FUCK OVER HERSELF

Uncle Bob Pagani — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 08:40:30 +0000

Is anyone else as sick of The Oprah as I am? I mean, seriously, what the fuck!

“‘I call my home the Promised Land because I get to live Dr. King’s
dream,’ Winfrey told her guests, a source inside recalled Winfrey
saying.”

Who can forget Dr. King’s stirring words, “I have a dream that an unbelievably pompous black woman will get her own talk show and start interpreting the Universe and Everything In It to the rest of us poor humans.”

Apparently it’s not enough for The Oprah to explain the “Law of Attraction” to us all; now she has the difficult job of picking the next President of the United States. Those of you who were planning on voting for anyone other than Barack Obama can just consider the second Tuesday of November 2008 a free day off with no social obligations. The Oprah has chosen your next Commander In Chief for you.

I must have missed something. I mean, no sentient being alive in America at any time during the last 15 years or so can possibly not know that The Oprah is the hottest thing in daytime television. Somehow, though, I managed to miss the part where she became the Official Repository Of All Knowledge. When did she transmute from “that black chick who has that talk show every housewife seems to watch” to the goddamn Oracle of Fucking Delphi?

If you say that you respect her success in show business and her wealth, I’m right there with you. If you think that means her opinions on the affairs of the world are worth any more than those of the guy who runs the newsstand on the corner of 44th St. in Times Square, then you’re just going to have to explain that to me. I’m serious here; I just do NOT understand the Cult of Oprah. What mojo do you people think she possesses and why do you believe she has it?

I look at her and I see another show biz phony who has managed to climb the mountain to become the most successful talk show host. The cultists look at her and see Mother Teresa (the version before we found out she didn’t believe in God) crossed with the Blessed Virgin Mary, with maybe a little Joan of Arc thrown in.

This part really cracks me up too:

“At the grounds, guests parked, had their possessions searched and
boarded buses for the trip to Winfrey’s property about 8 miles away.
Recording devices and cameras were not allowed, and government-issued
photo IDs were compared to a guest list.”

Where the fuck does The Oprah live? Gitmo? Jesus H.W. Christ, paranoid much? I guess when you’re The Oprah, though, you just can’t be too careful. I mean, an Al Qaeda cell member–or Maury Povich–could be hiding in the bushes with a sniper scope-equipped rifle to take The Oprah out. Then where would mankind be?

Winfrey draws rich, famous to Obama bash — chicagotribune.com

CAN I GET THIS FOR MY HOUSE?

Uncle Bob Pagani — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 11:51:32 +0000

KFC is starting a promotion for selected offices where they make them smell like their chicken. I work from home, so I’m just plain out of luck, I guess. Unless… Hey, KFC, hook a brother up? Badvertising: KFC Launches Program Designed To Make Your Office Smell Like Chicken – Consumerist