I’ve just figured something out. At the risk of seeming immodest, I’m WAY more creative than the people who run the “guerrilla marketing” companies whose websites I’ve seen on the Internet.
Sorry, geniuses, but hiring “street teams” via Craigslist is NOT cutting-edge. (For the uninitiated, “street teams” are attractive young people who walk around high-traffic areas and hand out fliers about their employer’s client. Yup, that’s it.) Illegally slapping up posters that look like street graffiti might have been a cool idea about ten years ago, but that ship’s sailed.
There are probably a million things I suck at, including intermediate algebra, but coming up with original creative ideas which can promote products and people’s careers isn’t one of them. About three weeks ago, I came up with an idea which is apparently going to be used by a young artist to promote his career. I can’t talk about it yet, but I’ll let you know if and when he actually does it and makes the news. Just yesterday, a friend asked me if I had an idea that could help a friend of his promote her diet book. Yes, I did have one as a matter of fact, a damn good one. If the author doesn’t go for it, she’s out of her friggin’ mind, it’s that good.
After looking at what passes for “guerrilla marketing” in America today, I decided on a new goal for my life. I want to become the King of Publicity Stunts. I don’t even want to call what I do “guerrilla marketing”; that’s a pretentious euphemism for good old fashioned publicity stunts. Let’s just call things what they are without the Web 2.0 nonsense, shall we?
So, who needs a good publicity stunt in their life? Any radio DJ’s out there who are getting overlooked by their corporate management? I feel your pain, I’ve been there. Any small retailers who need to get some press? Who are you, where are you? Holla at your boy (don’t you hate it when white guys try to be cool?)
OK, this has gone beyond the joke level! Just make it stop, electronic gadget-making people. Do you all have some kind of bet among yourselves about who can cover the most mediocre piece of electro-crap with Swarovsky (it’s always Swarovsky) crystals?
Take the pieces of over-priced glass off these things and they’re run-of-the-mill thumb drives you can buy for $10-$40. Glue some shiny stuff on ’em, however, and they sell for $134-$210. Who buys this shit????
Sony offering up Swarovski crystal-clad E010 DAPs
As everyone who’s read this blog for any length of time knows, I’m forever pointing out various iterations of the Laziest P.R. Stunt Of All Time, namely gluing a bunch of Swarovsky (it’s always Swarovsky) crystals to some mediocre gadget and putting an astronomical price on it. I swear you see some variation on this pathetic cry for attention about once a month.
Here it is yet again, albeit with a slight change. This time it isn’t Swarovsky crystals they’ve glued to the outside of a perfectly ordinary Swiss Army Knife, but real diamonds. Ooooh, catch me, Mildred, I think I’m going to faint.
Although they’ve upped the bling factor this time around, as always with the Laziest P.R. Stunt Of All Time, they didn’t go with a high-end version of the original product, but a very average Swiss Army Knife, the kind you could buy for about $20 if it wasn’t crusty with pressurized coal. You’d think they’d want to go with the hundred-tool model, wouldn’t you?
Someone, perhaps a college professor or somebody who works for a think tank, has to explain to me why these things are NEVER the high-end version of the original (non-blinged) gadget, but always a unit from the low end of the price scale. It’s ALWAYS that way, so there must be a reason why, but it escapes my little brain.
Diamond Knife: Swiss Army Goes Bling with the Victoria Collection – Gizmodo
Do I even need to say it anymore? For the umpteenth time, sticking Swarovsky (it’s ALWAYS Swarovsky) crystals on a lame gadget and announcing some astronomical price for said bling is THE. LAMEST. P.R. STUNT. OF. ALL. TIME.
Stop, OK? Just stop.
Bling: Hello Kitty Swarovski Maneki Neto Doll is Yours for $66,000 – Gizmodo
I keep telling you people that the World’s Lamest P.R. stunt is taking some normal gadget, cover it with Swarovsky crystals and announce that you’re selling it for some astronomical price. Here that lame-ass stunt again. Oh wait, this time it isn’t SWAROVSKY crystals. Hmm, now I have a dilemma. Is it still the World’s Lamest P.R. Stunt if they don’t use SWAROVSKY crystals? Lemme think about it for a moment.
OK, I’ve thought about it. Yup, it’s still VERY lame.
As I say every time this kind of thing comes up, wake me when someone actually BUYS one of these gold-plated turds.
Tivoli’s crystal encrusted Model One – Engadget