Sorry, geniuses, but hiring “street teams” via Craigslist is NOT cutting-edge. (For the uninitiated, “street teams” are attractive young people who walk around high-traffic areas and hand out fliers about their employer’s client. Yup, that’s it.) Illegally slapping up posters that look like street graffiti might have been a cool idea about ten years ago, but that ship’s sailed.

There are probably a million things I suck at, including intermediate algebra, but coming up with original creative ideas which can promote products and people’s careers isn’t one of them. About three weeks ago, I came up with an idea which is apparently going to be used by a young artist to promote his career. I can’t talk about it yet, but I’ll let you know if and when he actually does it and makes the news. Just yesterday, a friend asked me if I had an idea that could help a friend of his promote her diet book. Yes, I did have one as a matter of fact, a damn good one. If the author doesn’t go for it, she’s out of her friggin’ mind, it’s that good.

After looking at what passes for “guerrilla marketing” in America today, I decided on a new goal for my life. I want to become the King of Publicity Stunts. I don’t even want to call what I do “guerrilla marketing”; that’s a pretentious euphemism for good old fashioned publicity stunts. Let’s just call things what they are without the Web 2.0 nonsense, shall we?

So, who needs a good publicity stunt in their life? Any radio DJ’s out there who are getting overlooked by their corporate management? I feel your pain, I’ve been there. Any small retailers who need to get some press? Who are you, where are you? Holla at your boy (don’t you hate it when white guys try to be cool?)

Take the pieces of over-priced glass off these things and they’re run-of-the-mill thumb drives you can buy for $10-$40.  Glue some shiny stuff on ‘em, however, and they sell for $134-$210.  Who buys this shit????

Sony offering up Swarovski crystal-clad E010 DAPs

Here it is yet again, albeit with a slight change.  This time it isn’t Swarovsky crystals they’ve glued to the outside of a perfectly ordinary Swiss Army Knife, but real diamonds.  Ooooh, catch me, Mildred, I think I’m going to faint.

Although they’ve upped the bling factor this time around, as always with the Laziest P.R. Stunt Of All Time, they didn’t go with a high-end version of the original product, but a very average Swiss Army Knife, the kind you could buy for about $20 if it wasn’t crusty with pressurized coal.  You’d think they’d want to go with the hundred-tool model, wouldn’t you?

Someone, perhaps a college professor or somebody who works for a think tank, has to explain to me why these things are NEVER the high-end version of the original (non-blinged) gadget, but always a unit from the low end of the price scale.  It’s ALWAYS that way, so there must be a reason why, but it escapes my little brain.

Diamond Knife: Swiss Army Goes Bling with the Victoria Collection – Gizmodo

Stop, OK?  Just stop.

Bling: Hello Kitty Swarovski Maneki Neto Doll is Yours for $66,000 – Gizmodo

OK, I’ve thought about it.  Yup, it’s still VERY lame.

As I say every time this kind of thing comes up, wake me when someone actually BUYS one of these gold-plated turds.

Tivoli’s crystal encrusted Model One – Engadget

This “hip” new restaurant in Greenwich Village looks a whole lot like the old Horn & Hardart Automats that were all over Manhattan when I was a kid.  Back then, they were populated by old people who would sit around all day over a cup of coffee and perhaps a piece of pie.  Now, judging from the picture on the front page, it’s where reasonably attractive girl-next-door types (probably NYU students) congregate.

Anyhoo, I get ideas from time to time that would generate publicity for certain kinds of businesses.  I’m going to put hints to some of them up on this blog, in the hopes that people who actually own those kinds of businesses will pay me to walk them through the idea, thereby profiting from the fruit of my massive brain.  I’m the guy who thought up the idea to “protest” when Binney and Smith changed eight of their Crayola colors, which sold millions of dollars worth of crayons for them.  In 2006, I was the guy who hoaxed the press by pretending to be the winner of the largest-ever Powerball lottery.  That one got me on Good Morning, America (I’ve been on the Today Show, Oprah, Lie Detector and tons of other TV shows, too.  I’ve also been written about in Time, Life and People magazines  as well as the New York Times, The New York Daily News, The New York Post, The Wall Street Journal and USA Today.)

Yes, I have a real idea to get press for this “BAMN!” place.  If you know the owners, or if you ARE the owners, contact me ASAP.  I can give (sell) you an idea that will generate business and publicity for your New Wave Automat. 

Consider this to be creative cultural shapeshifting: the awakening of image and consciousness without prior existential tangibility. It begins with the realization that nothing that is cultural is real in an objective sense, but instead is manufactured by general consent. And this is true regardless of the apparent immovability of the cultural melieu in which the person or thing is contained.

Perception is reality, and although this may sound trite, it is in fact the founding concept of every cherished institution of our society. When this idea is fully realized in ones life, one becomes a cultural shapeshifter – a reality hacker.

We don’t live in the matrix, we create the matrix and become a part of it. The cultural shapeshifter steps outside of this organically developed ‘reality’ – he/she creates a new reality and draws others into it.

If you are looking for a new reality, you’ve come to the right place.