Tidbits From 29,000 Feet

by Will 'The Cranky Music Man' Golightly

I was just going 164 mph. I know this cuz the pilot told me so. I'm on a plane to Manchester, NH because my grandfather is dead. The funeral is tomorrow. Oh Manchester, so much to answer for.

My flight was delayed, of course. So after spending an hour and a half in an airport bar pestering my waitress and watching the Vikings slap around the Saints, I'm finally in the air. With my Discman blaring I can finally get to the nitty-gritty: Courtney Love.

Ms. Love has filed a lawsuit against her current boyfriend's ex-wife. It seems this ex-wife drove over Courtney's foot. As if ruining her designer pump weren't enough, the injury caused her to give up her role in an upcoming movie. According to BBC radio, Love is losing the 200,000 pound fee she was to receive for the movie. I don't see the problem-- if Marlon Brando can show up for work on Apocalypse Now hundreds of pounds overweight and bald, Courtney Love should be able to limp through a scene.

In more rock and roll drama, Vanilla Ice was arrested for domestic abuse. The man once known to his schoolteachers as Robert Van Winkle has admitted to covering his wife's mouth with his hand and "pulling out" her hair to keep her from jumping out of their truck's window. Note that Vanilla did not say pull, he said pull OUT. He spent a night in the pokey and was released on $3,500 bail. His children watched the scene in the truck unfold, which must be at least as damaging to a young mind as seeing one's father dance with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

In less violent but similarly abusive news, Paul McCartney is unleashing a book of poems on an otherwise unsuspecting wold. "Blackbird Singing" it will be called, and it is dedicated to his late wife Linda. Yes, the man responsible for such flights of lyricism as "We all live in a Yellow Submarine" and such austere classicism as "Bang! Bang! Maxwell's silver hammer came down upon his head" is dipping his quill in ink once more. His wife died of breast cancer in 1998, and the world of frozen vegetarian entrees hasn't been the same since.

If I hadn't heard it from Reuters I wouldn't believe it myself, but here is an actual line from one of the poems: "Tears are not tears, they're balls of laughter dipped in salt." Oh dear.

To reward you for sticking through that I will end with the good news-- MTV will cease broadcasting Jan 10 at 10pm. Unfortunately, it will be back to normal the next day, but here's to small victories! For the 17 and a half hours, however, the alleged "music" station will be scrolling the names of hundreds of US hate crime victims. Apparently the late night Undressed marathons weren't doing the trick.

All right, my stewardess has an overpriced beverage for me, so I must go. Until next week...