A Family Affair

by Will 'The Cranky Music Man' Golightly

I have other interests than music. I swear. Right now I'm watching the Golden Globes, and Kevin Spacey is awarding the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime something-or-other to Al Pacino. Well, really I'm watching Al Pacino watch clips of himself through the magic of split screen technology. Can you even imagine anything more depressing than seeing with your grizzled, ancient eyes footage of yourself when you were young, attractive and talented? No, me neither. But he's had decades of Devil's Advocates and Godfather Part IIIs to prepare for this.

Movies are not what I get paid the big bucks to talk about, however. It's Oasis' Gallagher brothers. Or at least it feels that way sometimes. It's been a busy month for the terrible two. Liam has been working through his feelings of guilt for heckling everyone and everything in sight at the recent Q Music Awards, or at least one would hope he's regretting his obnoxious behavior. It takes a big man to shout rude comments at pop stars whose career trajectory is upwards. It's not like he was at a sporting event. At least referees DESERVE that kind of abuse. But we're going to start off with Noel's misbehaving.

The older, more talented Gallagher is getting divorced. Not to be outdone by Liam's breakup with professional blonde Patsy Kensit, Noel is ditching his wife Meg Matthews. In typical celebrity good taste, he had an affair with his PR representative. This apparently is the meaning of "irreconcilable differences." It seems to me this is the equivalent of a normal person having an affair with the neighborhood babysitter, but I don't run in such illustrious circles so I don't know for sure. If I were to stumble into some money and find some fancy friends, however, I promise you would be the first to know.

Liam Gallagher has been a single man for a while now, so he doesn't have the same opportunities for foolishness. He had to settle for groping a flight attendant. Knowing the fervor of their brotherly competition, I'm sure that he was doing the best he could not to be trumped by Noel. Oasis played the Rock In Rio concert this month. En route to the South American extravaganza, Liam couldn't help but grab the buttocks of a female employee of British Airways. And just to prove that he isn't so passe as to do it on the flight as she sauntered by his first class seat, he assaulted her as she was checking him onto the plane. That's our boy. Two years ago Liam was banned from Cathay Pacific airlines for getting drunk and throwing food at other passengers. Though, in his defense, he was on the way to Australia at the time.

Well, my grilled cheese sandwich is ready so I've got to go. After my little snack, I'm going to watch MTV to see if tonight they will condescend to broadcast 120 Minutes for a change. But before we part ways, I'd like to share one last thing: there will soon be another Graceland. An Illinois couple was fortunate enough to hit the lottery, and they have decided to use some of the money to build a replica of Elvis' legendary home. And you thought you were cool just because you re-created the jungle room in your basement.