I'm Sorry Ms. Jackson

by Will 'The Cranky Music Man' Golightly

My beloved North Carolina Tarheels' season is over. It doesn't matter that referees like to blow whistles randomly just to see if everyone will stop. Nor does it matter that a referee at halfcourt thinks it's perfectly reasonable to call fouls under the basket that the baseline referee, who can actually SEE the play, doesn't feel warrant a whistle. And ultimately it doesn't matter that Julius Peppers and Brendan Haywood are penalized simply for being bigger and stronger that Penn State's players. What matters is that the season is over, and the months of recrimination and doubt begin.

But hey, at least I'm not Michael Jackson. That thought always cheers me up. The King of Pop was in England recently to deliver a speech at Oxford University. He was there to promote his charity Heal The Kids. And no one snickered! He cried real tears, or as real as anything on him, for "a generation that no longer knows what it means to be children." Jackson had a rough go of it, which robbed him of his childhood. Though he's been doing a good job researching into childhood over the last couple decades. Apparently he is some sort of expert. And not to be outdone by some schmucks in powdered wigs, he even prepared a Children's Universal Bill of Rights, which includes such nuggets as "The right to an education without having to dodge bullets at school". Way to take a stand, sir! He ended the speech with the hope that a new, presumably metaphorical, song be heard. "Let that new song be the sound of children laughing," he said, "and let that new song be the sound of parents listening." The sound of listening? Who does he think he is, John Cage?

That's nothing compared to his entourage, however. One of his companions in England was the cofounder of Heal The Kids, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. This is the titan of modern thought who brought us the best-selling "Kosher Sex" and "The Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments". No, really. "Kosher Sex", a manual for a fulfilling married sex life, includes chapters devoted to controversial topics like "Is Oral Sex Wrong?" and "Is Prostitution a Safe Option?" The answers of course are "Rarely" and "Only if you're a little short on the rent check that month".

Jackson's other compatriot is world-famous charlatan Uri Geller. Good old Uri is a close friend, it seems. Michael stayed in England after the speech to witness Geller renew his marriage vows. If I recall correctly the Cranky Media Guy has spoken about Geller in the past, so I don't need to go into it here. Needless to say, his crackpottedness is surpassed only by Jackson's. Though certainly if bent spoons are ever discovered to be of use to disenfranchised children, Jackson will know where to go for help. Hopefully the outbreak of hoof-and-mouth disease will keep all of them quarantined and away from here for as long as possible.