Money, Power, Fame ...and poop

by Will 'The Cranky Music Man' Golightly

From now on, Mariah Carey won't be drinking Safeway Select cola. It's going to be Pepsi One for her. After bailing on Columbia Records (only a couple years after she divorced the company's head Tommy Mottola), she has signed with Virgin for an undisclosed amount of money. It's safe to say that the amount is closer to a lot than to a little. But one has to wonder: Will this ungodly sum, and the material comfort it supplies, dull the keen edge of her intricate portraits of modern love and loss? Or worse yet, will she stop sounding like a dentist's drill on those high notes? Don't laugh, it happens to all great artists. What has Tom Green done since finding love and wealth with Drew Barrymore and MTV, respectively. Or maybe it's the other way around.

All we can do is hope for the best. And that, I'm afraid, is all the news from last week. Except some nonsense about popstars young and old showing up in D.C. to convince the government to do something about Napster. Or not to do anything about Napster. Or maybe to do a little bit about Napster but not TOO much. I wasn't really paying attention; I was too wrapped up in the premiere of Comedy Central's new smash "That's My Bush." Heh. Now that I think about it, that title is kind of naughty.

Now for the meaningless stuff. Apparently bored with making up perverted sex acts to commit with his wife, Billy Bob Thornton has a country album in the works. Being Mr. Angelina Jolie must have some advantages, right? In a shocking display of ignorance of human anatomy, he told the Associated Press, "I wrote the songs right out of my gut." I'm sold.

The only other amusing item this week concerns MTV, as do all the truly moronic news bits. The "music" station is being sued by two 14-year-old girls who were at the taping of the show "Dude, This Sucks." Two of the performers, perhaps angry that Jackass turned down their tape for being too cerebral, turned their backs to the audience and sprayed them with poop. Their own poop. The two girls took a direct hit; and before you could say "Make a run for the border," they were on their cell phones to their lawyers. Not that I blame them. MTV has been inflicting emotional distress on me ever since they cancelled "Remote Control." VH1 just doesn't seem to have these problems, for some reason.