Stuff

by Will 'The Cranky Music Man' Golightly

I just finished watching MTV's Jackass. I think it was a rerun, though it's pretty hard to tell sometimes. The intro was new, however. The first few minutes consisted of an interview with Johnny Knoxville. He looked terrible; but not as bad as Chris Connelly, who seems to have aged several decades since I last saw him on MTV. The opening segment was all about how, under no circumstances, should stupid ass kids do stupid ass stunts in an attempt to emulate or appear on the show. Johnny Knoxville seemed genuinely distressed by stupid ass kids breaking their stupid asses because of his show. It was actually kind of depressing; I couldn't even enjoy the rest of the show. Imagine watching an interview with a porn star who describes the years of sexual and physical abuse that sent her into her profession, before watching her record-breaking gang bang. It's just not as much fun anymore.

Anyway, it turns out that R.E.M.'s Peter Buck is a nasty drunk. Hey, it happens to the best of us, right? He had flown to London's Heathrow Airport from Seattle, which is America's closest equivalent to London, weather-wise. That's enough to send anyone over the edge, I would imagine. So the guitarist was charged with assault, criminal damage, and being drunk on an aircraft. Perhaps he finally succumbed to the pressure of signing an obscenely lucrative deal with Warner Brothers and then releasing several albums that aren't even remotely Automatic for the People. He's scheduled to appear in court in June. Something tells me he won't be doing any jail time. I mean gaol time.

Sunday before last, the lead singer of Creed may have had his name etched in God's Big Book of Sinners. Scott Stapp was at a nightclub in Florida when he got involved in a fistfight. Probably it was the Miami bass music that was getting on his nerves. Hell, most of my time logged in Florida is in airports, but I still break out in hives at the mention of Spring break. No charges were filed, but this is not the first time he of the affected vocals was in a skirmish. In February he had a strong disagreement with the owner of a tattoo parlor. I prefer to imagine he refused to tattoo "What would Jesus do?" on Stapp's ass. But that's just me.

Finally, U2 have solved that whole hoof-and-mouth disease problem in Europe: On their official website, they promised it's not a problem in Ireland. Done and done. Furthering the band's reputation as Ireland's official ambassadors to the rest of the world, Bono and the "Minister for Tourism" (whatever that is) insist that their homeland is safe for American dollars -- pardon me, I mean American tourists. So if you have a jones for Irish whisky, greasy food and digital delay pedals, take U2's advice and spend your next vacation there. Just do us hardworking American's a favor and keep your mouth off any hooves you come across.