My Generation Sucks. So Does Yours
by The Cranky Media Guy
I've been putting off starting this column for the past couple of
hours. I wanted to find just the right way to say what's on my mind.
'Cause, you know, I certainly don't want to offend anyone.
Well, I finally came up with it: My generation sucks. So does
yours. (Just so I'm clear here, "my generation"
refers to the Baby Boomers. "Your generation" refers to
anyone under the age of 30.)
My generation sucks because we've allowed democracy to be
steamrollered by every greedy pussbucket who can write a big check
to someone's election campaign. While we weren't bothering to pay
attention, the Constitution has been systematically shredded by
Congressional weasels who feel that millions of Americans can do
just fine on five dollars and change per hour minimum wage, although
they personally, need (and deserve) close to $200k a year just to
make ends meet.
My generation sucks because, although we constantly use the
phrase "for the children" to defend every ass-backwards
repressive law we shove through Congress, our schools (where
children spend a good portion of their day) blow worse than El Nino.
There should be a big, McDonalds-like sign over the Department of
Education building reading, "Over 99 million functional
My generation sucks because we've allowed a ridiculous (and
hypocritical) "War on Drugs" to consume billions of tax
dollars while showing little or no real effect on society's
My generation sucks because we've raised a bumper crop of kids
trained from birth to be afraid of their own shadows. When we're not
teaching our kids that every adult they don't know is a member of
NAMBLA, we're putting metal detectors in the high schools and
sticking Nanny Cams in their bookshelves. Nothing like a little
paranoia to keep the rug rats in line, eh?
My generation sucks because we treat our kids like "personal
lifestyle accessories" rather than actual, unique, human
beings. That's why every kid you meet nowadays has a name like
Courtney, Brittany or Chad. Those aren't kids' names. Those are
names for dolls you buy on QVC and stick on a shelf to decorate a
room. I'm surprised kids today don't come with a "Certificate
of Authenticity" from the Franklin Mint at birth.
Your generation sucks because you're silently accepting all this
crap, without complaint. Where are the protests? Where's the
outrage? Where's the backlash? You LIKE the world your parents have
When you guys DO actually act up, you take on the wrong targets. My
generation protested the war in Vietnam with massive rallies on the
National Mall and around the country. Your generation starts
bonfires and loots the soda trucks at Woodstock '99. Way to stick it
to The Man! That'll teach 'em to try to issue Woodstock
Commemorative Visa Cards to you!
To be fair, Vietnam and Richard Nixon were just made to be
hated by young people. Our war dragged on for years. The ones
you get are more like pay-per-view events. They even have
cute, made-for-TV names given to them: Desert Storm, for example.
They last just long enough to get everybody's patriotic blood
boiling. If you wanted to protest them, by the time you get
the buses rented to go to Washington for the Big Rally, the damn
thing's over. It's "wham, bam, thank you, Ma'am" conflict.
Short Attention Span Theater of War.
Not that anyone wants to protest war anymore, of course.
With an all-volunteer military, there's no fear of an enforced khaki
wardrobe to stir the outrage of the young'uns like the Good ol'
You don't even get pissed when you get our cultural
hand-me-downs. We had Jimi Hendrix. You have Lenny
Kravitz. We had John Glenn, the first American to orbit the
Earth. You got John Glenn, the first Depends wearer to orbit
the Earth. We had JFK. You got JFK, Jr. Our JFK
was a dynamic young leader who got the Soviets to back down over
putting missiles in Cuba. Your JFK failed the New York Bar
Exam twice and dressed Cindy Crawford in a George Washington outfit
for the cover of his magazine. (Speaking of John-John, as far as I'm
concerned, to warrant the amount of TV coverage his plane crash got,
he should have come back from the dead after three days.) Are you
getting the picture here? Half the stuff you have,
pop-culturally-speaking, is lame-o retreads of stuff we came up with
30 years ago.
You're not even pissed about that! Do I have to explain
youth to you, too? You're supposed to hate everything your
parents liked, not recycle it. Sheesh!
Sure, over the past 30 years, my generation has managed to screw
up damn near everything it's touched, but back when we were young,
we did it right. We rallied against what we perceived as injustice
perpetrated by the generation before us. We burned our draft cards
and threw tear gas canisters back at the cops at Kent State. If the
best you guys can do is throw trash at Kurt Loder at Woodstock '99,
I'm not too impressed.