One Brand, Two Labels
By Robert Pagani
So, the Democrats got their ass beat in this last election.
It wasn't a big loss as far as percentages go
but with the winner-take-all system we have, a loss is a loss is a loss.
So, after licking their wounds, the deep thinkers of the
Democratic Party went to a secret, undisclosed location and began to strategize.
They realized that what they need to do is to reframe their message so as
to better reach their traditional constituencies of working people, minorities
and women, to convince more people that their policies are superior to those of
the Republicans. If only.
Thatís what they would have done if they collectively had more
brains than the Tin Man from Oz.
No, what they actually did was what they do best: panic and
point fingers. Then some of them
started to make the most disturbing noise heard outside of a chicken rendering
plant. It sounded something like
this: ďOur loss is all Michael Mooreís fault.
What we need to do is move the party to the right, become more
Oh yeah, THATís the answer.
I guess the logic is along the lines of "if you canít beat Ďem,
join Ďem." Now I'm not a partisan, I basically dislike all politicians.
And I don't find much appealing about the Demoocrat party today, and I don't know if I would help them even if I could. Iím just a fat
white guy with a laptop computer and a copy of Microsoft Word, but I think I can
prove that that is the dumbest strategy since the last time Paris Hilton played
OK kids, put your jammies on and gather Ďround me in a
circle. Itís Analogy Time!
Remember something from the '80's called New Coke?
The Coca-Cola Company was worried about their archrival, Pepsi, gaining
market share. So what did the
geniuses at Coca-Cola do? Well, they replaced the product they had been selling for the
better part of a century (probably the best-known product on Planet Earth) with
a product that tasted exactly like Pepsi. They
named it New Coke. New Coke sat on
store shelves within feet of the product it tasted exactly like.
How could a marketing strategy like that fail?
Well, seen any New Coke around lately?
Iíll answer that for you: No, you havenít.
New Cokeís "Unique Selling Proposition" (which is
marketing-speak for how you pitch your product to the public) was that it tasted
just like its competition. Do you see a problem with that?
Why should I buy YOUR product when the best thing you can tell me about
it is that it isnít any different than the competition?
Why should I not just reach up and pluck that can of Pepsi off the shelf? After all, it must be pretty good if youíre trying to be
just like it, right? Why buy the
imitation when the original is right next to it?
Youíre probably getting ahead of me by now but letís
walk through it anyway. What the
Democrats are proposing to do is to turn themselves into the political
equivalent of New Coke. Putting
aside the immorality and amorality of abandoning any principles they ever
claimed to have, thereby leaving their constituency with no real choice (after
all, since when did morality have anything to do with politics?), this is an
incredibly stupid thing for the Democrats to be considering.
If they intend to be as much like the Republicans as
possible, why should anyone vote for them? If you are a liberal, you don't want to vote Republican and if you
are a Republican you aren't interested in Republican II. Why reach for the lever that says "Democrat" when the one
that says "Republican" is right next to it? Why vote for the imitation
instead of the original when theyíre the same?
In short, moving to the right to better resemble the Republicans is THE
single stupidest Unique Selling Proposition the Democrats could come up with.
Yeah, letís blame the loss on Michael Moore, the guy who
worked harder and more tirelessly than anyone else to get Democrats elected.
Letís not think about the fact that John Kerry had the charisma of road
kill or that his message on the Iraq mess seemed to be that, while he didnít
exactly disagree with President Bush on anything heís done there or how heís
done it, somehow if Kerry was running the show, in some unspecified way, things
would be different. Letís not
consider that, even with the incompetence shown by the Kerry campaign, he came
within two percentage points of winning despite being the worst canditate since Al Gore and being an even bigger flip-flopper.
No, instead letís completely trash the legacy of the
party of FDR and JFK. It isnít
about principles, you stupid liberals, itís about WINNING, damn it, winning at
all costs. By even considering this
retarded plan, the Democrats have revealed that what theyíre really about is
nothing more than trying to get the public to vote for THEIR bunch of white guys
in expensive suits instead of the OTHER bunch of white guys in expensive suits.
My prediction? The
Democrats will go down the road of becoming more Republican-like
(theyíre just that stupid and short-sighted).
Will it help them get elected? Hell
no (for the reason already given: bad USP).
So what if that shift leaves the working people of America with no
political party to represent their interests?
The good news? In
a few years, no later than 2020 is my guess, collectors will be able to buy
little pieces of the all-but-defunct Democratic Party, at bargain prices, on
eBay for nostalgia purposes, to put on shelves next to their dusty cans of New
Coke. Happy obsolescence, you
stupid, principle-free, donkeys!