I Love It When You Lie To Me
by The Cranky Media Guy
When I was growing up back in the Bronx, I had a friend who was a
compulsive liar. He would make up stuff all the time; he just
couldn't help himself. Once, several of us Catholic boys were
talking about experiences we had had in church. Guy told us
how the priest had burned his ears with the candles used for the
ritual blessing of the throat one year. One of my other
friends pointed out that the candles used for the ceremony are never
lit. Red-faced and embarrassed, Guy suddenly remembered a
pressing engagement and ran off. Like I said, he just couldn't
The more I see of Al Gore, the more I'm reminded of my friend
Guy. It's like the vice-president just can't help
himself. The interesting thing about compulsive liars is that
they lie about stuff that doesn't even matter. There was a
record store in Greenwich Village that Guy used to frequent.
The proprietor would put aside records he thought my friend would
like. Rather than tell the man that he wasn't interested in
buying every record he picked out for him, Guy invented a story
about moving to England. That way he could avoid going to the
store and his absence would be explained, he reasoned.
Gore seems to use similar "logic". Instead of
just saying that he used to be anti-abortion and has since changed
his mind on the issue, he continues to insist that he has
"always been pro-choice" despite overwhelming evidence to
the contrary. While some people might be skeptical about
the reason behind his change of heart, if Al just didn't tell a
idiotic lie instead, it would be accepted. That's the
kind of thing that makes me think his tendency to bullshit is
compulsive. He tells lies that don't even help him in the long
I don't want you to think that I'm one of these Rush
Limbaugh-types who say that everything the Democrats do is demonic
and the Republicans can do no wrong. Reagan seemed to have
more than a touch of Guy in him, if you'll recall. He told
stories about the combat he was involved in during WWII, at a time
when Warner Brothers seemed to think he was eating at their
commissary in Hollywood. The Reagan years are behind us
now. Gore is currently trying to get us to let him move into
the Big House at 1600. Do we really need another prevaricator
running the show?
How'd a guy like Gore get to be vice-president (and possibly the
next president)? What the hell's the matter with us
that we let assholes like this have the keys to the limo called
democracy? I mean, it is us he's trying to bullshit,
after all. In a just world, he'd be wearing a clown suit and
sitting in a dunk tank at the Allentown Fair. For some reason,
though, the more guys like that B.S. us, the more we reward
them. It reminds me of guys I would see in bars during my
college years. I didn't drink, so I could just kind of watch
what was going on around me. I'd see these smooth operators
telling girls all kinds of stupid stories about their alleged
exploits and it would fry my hide. I'd like to say that was
because I didn't like to see women manipulated like that, but my
hide-frying was mostly because those guys got laid and I
didn't. Just didn't seem fair, you know?
Maybe that's a good metaphor for the whole American electoral
process: it's a big pick-up scene. The voters are the
pretty girl standing at the bar alone. First, John McCain
walks over. "You know, I was a POW for five and a half
years," he says, trying to make eye contact. She smiles
at him, noncommittally.
Then, George W. Bush saunters toward her. "I sent a
man to the electric chair just this morning," is his opening
line. Voter Girl is not sure how to respond to that.
Next up is Bill Bradley. "I played in the NBA. I
guess that proves that white men can jump, huh?"
She smiles. He's likeable, but she's not really sure what she
thinks of him.
There's an awkward silence in the group. Suddenly, the
bar's door opens and in walks Al Gore. He spots Voter Girl
from across the room and, attempting to look casual, heads toward
her. "I don't know if you realize this," he says,
"but I invented the Internet." She is
intrigued. Seeing her interest, he continues. "I
discovered Love Canal, I live on a farm and I was the inspiration
for Love Story."
"Tell me more," she coos.
Looking deep into her eyes and dropping his voice into a Barry
White register, he says, "I've always been
"Take me, I'm yours," says the girl. Gore sweeps
her off her feet and carries her off into the night.
Silently, McCain, Bradley and Bush stare at the closing door for
a long moment. Finally, the silence is broken.
"Damn, he's good," says Bradley. The others nod in
agreement. All three toss back the remainder of their drinks
before heading off into the night, alone.