The Empire Strikes Back

by The Cranky Media Guy

I hate the British royal family.  I mean, I really hate those jug-eared, inbred SOB's.  Well, if I'm honest here, I guess I don't really hate them, per se; it's more that I hate the idea of them. When you get right down to it, what are they really, if not the world's Premiere Welfare Cheats?  They don't run the government anymore--haven't for decades now--but they're supported for life by the public, all because they happened to win the Genetic Lotto.

So, a few hundred years ago, a bunch of guys who (sort of) agreed with me on this subject, decided to start a new country on a God-forsaken piece of land on the wrong side of the tracks ("tracks" meaning Atlantic Ocean).  In their collective wisdom, they threw off a lot of the customs of the Olde Country, including handing the reins of power to the first boy to pop out of the Royal Birth Canal. This was a system which, in the past, had lead to a lot of retards having a lot of power over a lot of innocent people.  Those fusty old farts, the Founding Fathers, figured there had to be a better way.  In between posing for portraits, they came up with the system of elections which we still use today.

Well, we still have the system, but some of the intent seems to have been lost.  By the time you read this, the presidential "race" will probably be down to two contenders, Al Gore and George W. Bush, a couple of rich boys each of whom thinks that its his destiny to park his white ass in the Big Chair in the Oval Office.  Somebody want to show me where in the Constitution it says that only rich WASPS get to be President?

Let's play "pretend" for a second.  Suppose you were wrongfully accused of a crime.  I'll bet you would want the jury to be composed of people at least somewhat similar to yourself, so that they might have a chance of understanding what lead you to your current predicament.  In fact, you're legally entitled to a jury of your "peers".   Shouldn't the same kind of thinking apply to the guy who gets to run the whole show?  Be honest, do you think that either George W. Bush or Al Gore is your "peer"?  Do you think their lives resemble yours in more than a superficial way? 

It seems to me that guys like Bush and Gore who have been on the government tit for years are among the least representative people in the U.S.  These are not guys who have ever had to decide whether they could afford Kraft macaroni and cheese or if they should buy the cheaper store brand.  I don't think Tipper or Mrs. George W. (whatever the hell her name is) has ever clipped coupons out of the Sunday paper.  These people float through life, certain that doors will be opened for them and the car will be brought around when they want to go somewhere.  They don't have to worry about alternate side of the street parking, they never have to make sure they have the correct change for the bus and, on those rare occasions when they have to write a check, they are never asked for ID.

Guys like this have a vague recognition that they aren't "average" (although they wouldn't know what "average" really was if it bit them on the ass), so they try to pretend they're just reg'lar folks from time to time.  Bush likes to talk about his success in the business world.  The truth is Little Georgie was a fuck-up until his old man became President.  Suddenly, people who wanted to curry favor with the Old Man came out of the woodwork to help grease the skids for Junior.  Voila, Instant Business Success!  Al Gore has called himself a farmer.  Uh huh.  Gore's a farmer like I'm an Olympic gymnast.

Bottom line: these guys are the American equivalent of the British royal family, minus the unfortunate aural gigantism.  From a certain age on, they just assume that the mantle of power is going to be handed to them, just like that rug rat of a Prince across the pond. 

Remember when Dukakis ran against Bush the elder?  One of the strikes against him was supposed to be his ethnicity.  Hello?  The whole friggin' country, with the exception of the natives who probably flinched when they saw the Mayflower approaching, came from somewhere else originally. I'm sick of the ruling class we've developed in this country.  I'm tired of rich white Protestant guys with bland Anglo-Saxon surnames being the only ones who get to run for the Presidency.  These guys know nothing about how you and I live.  How in the Hell can they "represent" us?

Personally, I would be delighted to vote for a lumpy-looking guy whose last name ended in an vowel or "ski" who was articulate on the real issues facing Americans and who had the 'nads to run for office.  I've seen what the Armani-suited brigade has given us and I ain't impressed.  Has the public been bamboozled into thinking that these guys are the Great White Gods who know what's best for us or something?  Sorry, but that borders on superstition, folks.

I'm sick and tired of being forced to choose between two guys who haven't the first clue what my life is like.  I'd be thrilled to have a President Jablonski who used to work at an auto body shop.  I'd love to see a viable candidate named Petrocelli who paid his way through college by selling beer in the ball park.  Why not?  The Tastefully Tailored Squad has created a nation in which only the rich get listened to by the government.  What do they know about struggling to get by?  In their world, poverty is the neighborhoods their motorcade goes around. 

It's taken us a little over 200 years, but we've managed to create exactly what our forefathers were anxious to avoid--a ruling class.  Duh!  Nice going, America.  Hey, I have a radical suggestion: how about a Constitutional amendment that says that anyone who made more than $100,000 in any of the preceding five years is barred from running for office?  I want a government of my peers, damn it and I want it NOW.