The Empire Strikes Back
by The Cranky Media Guy
I hate the British royal family. I mean, I really hate
those jug-eared, inbred SOB's. Well, if I'm honest here, I
guess I don't really hate them, per se; it's more that I hate
the idea of them. When you get right down to it, what are
they really, if not the world's Premiere Welfare Cheats? They
don't run the government anymore--haven't for decades now--but
they're supported for life by the public, all because they happened
to win the Genetic Lotto.
So, a few hundred years ago, a bunch of guys who (sort of) agreed
with me on this subject, decided to start a new country on a
God-forsaken piece of land on the wrong side of the tracks
("tracks" meaning Atlantic Ocean). In their
collective wisdom, they threw off a lot of the customs of the Olde
Country, including handing the reins of power to the first boy to
pop out of the Royal Birth Canal. This was a system which, in the
past, had lead to a lot of retards having a lot of power over a lot
of innocent people. Those fusty old farts, the Founding
Fathers, figured there had to be a better way. In between
posing for portraits, they came up with the system of elections
which we still use today.
Well, we still have the system, but some of the intent seems to
have been lost. By the time you read this, the presidential
"race" will probably be down to two contenders, Al Gore
and George W. Bush, a couple of rich boys each of whom thinks that
its his destiny to park his white ass in the Big Chair in the Oval
Office. Somebody want to show me where in the Constitution it
says that only rich WASPS get to be President?
Let's play "pretend" for a second. Suppose you
were wrongfully accused of a crime. I'll bet you would want
the jury to be composed of people at least somewhat similar to
yourself, so that they might have a chance of understanding what
lead you to your current predicament. In fact, you're legally
entitled to a jury of your "peers". Shouldn't
the same kind of thinking apply to the guy who gets to run the whole
show? Be honest, do you think that either George W. Bush or Al
Gore is your "peer"? Do you think their lives
resemble yours in more than a superficial way?
It seems to me that guys like Bush and Gore who have been on the
government tit for years are among the least representative
people in the U.S. These are not guys who have ever had to
decide whether they could afford Kraft macaroni and cheese or if
they should buy the cheaper store brand. I don't think Tipper
or Mrs. George W. (whatever the hell her name is) has ever clipped
coupons out of the Sunday paper. These people float through
life, certain that doors will be opened for them and the car will be
brought around when they want to go somewhere. They don't have
to worry about alternate side of the street parking, they never have
to make sure they have the correct change for the bus and, on those
rare occasions when they have to write a check, they are
never asked for ID.
Guys like this have a vague recognition that they aren't
"average" (although they wouldn't know what
"average" really was if it bit them on the ass), so they
try to pretend they're just reg'lar folks from time to time.
Bush likes to talk about his success in the business world.
The truth is Little Georgie was a fuck-up until his old man became
President. Suddenly, people who wanted to curry favor with the
Old Man came out of the woodwork to help grease the skids for
Junior. Voila, Instant Business Success! Al Gore has
called himself a farmer. Uh huh. Gore's a farmer like
I'm an Olympic gymnast.
Bottom line: these guys are the American equivalent of the
British royal family, minus the unfortunate aural gigantism.
From a certain age on, they just assume that the mantle of power is
going to be handed to them, just like that rug rat of a Prince
across the pond.
Remember when Dukakis ran against Bush the elder? One of
the strikes against him was supposed to be his ethnicity.
Hello? The whole friggin' country, with the exception of the
natives who probably flinched when they saw the Mayflower
approaching, came from somewhere else originally. I'm sick of the
ruling class we've developed in this country. I'm tired of
rich white Protestant guys with bland Anglo-Saxon surnames being the
only ones who get to run for the Presidency. These guys know nothing
about how you and I live. How in the Hell can they
Personally, I would be delighted to vote for a
lumpy-looking guy whose last name ended in an vowel or
"ski" who was articulate on the real issues facing
Americans and who had the 'nads to run for office. I've seen
what the Armani-suited brigade has given us and I ain't
impressed. Has the public been bamboozled into thinking that
these guys are the Great White Gods who know what's best for us or
something? Sorry, but that borders on superstition, folks.
I'm sick and tired of being forced to choose between two guys who
haven't the first clue what my life is like. I'd be thrilled
to have a President Jablonski who used to work at an auto body
shop. I'd love to see a viable candidate named Petrocelli who
paid his way through college by selling beer in the ball park.
Why not? The Tastefully Tailored Squad has created a nation in
which only the rich get listened to by the government. What do
they know about struggling to get by? In their
world, poverty is the neighborhoods their motorcade goes
It's taken us a little over 200 years, but we've managed to
create exactly what our forefathers were anxious to avoid--a ruling
class. Duh! Nice going, America. Hey, I have a
radical suggestion: how about a Constitutional amendment that says
that anyone who made more than $100,000 in any of the preceding five
years is barred from running for office? I want a government
of my peers, damn it and I want it NOW.