Smile For The Camera, Comrade

by The Cranky Media Guy

This might very well be my last commentary - I expect to be hauled off to prison for writing this one.  Nevertheless, I feel I must say this for the good of my fellow countrymen.  My hands are shaking as I type these words, but type them I must.  I believe that I have uncovered the greatest hoax of the 20th century. 

Put simply, I have amassed evidence that proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that America did not win the Cold War;  the "former" Soviet Union did.  Perhaps now you are thinking that I'm crazy, but consider:

If America, "the greatest democracy the world has ever known" (hey, I hear you Canadians laughing...stop that!), had really won the Cold War...

Would the National Commission on Terrorism be recommending that the federal government "track" foreign students attending school in this country legally?  (It advised keeping tabs on such things as changes in students' study plans.  A switch of English Literature to Nuclear Physics might "arouse suspicion," for example.)

If the U.S.A. had won the Cold War, would that same Commission recommend that the military be allowed to lead the response to "terrorist attacks" on U.S. soil, as opposed to the FBI or the Federal Emergency Management Agency, as in the past? Would it be recommending loosening restrictions on the FBI and CIA using informants who "might have unsavory backgrounds"?

Would the FBI have a 900-page file on the "suspicious activities" of former Senator Walter Mondale, a man so colorless he makes Al Gore look like Richard Simmons?

Would seemingly half the buildings in downtown Washington, D.C.--government related or not-- have "security" cameras pointing at the street outside them (a practice rapidly spreading to other U.S. cities)?

Would the police be allowed to detain a person who asserted his/her constitutional right in refusing to be searched (without a warrant) for drugs  until a specially-trained dog can be brought to the scene and utilized to do the same thing the person objected to the officer doing?  (If they can search your car without your permission, what's the point of asking the question in the first place?)

Would the government ignore the obvious need of the people to have competing sources provide their information and allow--even encourage-- their conglomeration into huge monolithic structures with many conflicts of interest?

If democracy triumphed over communism, would two "opposing" candidates from two "different" parties run for the highest office in the land, trying desperately to disguise the fact that they agree on virtually all important issues, thereby giving the voters the illusion of "free choice"?

No, my friends, the democratic government of the United States of America that we all knew and loved would not have allowed these things to happen.  There can be only one answer: somehow, without our knowledge, the dictatorial forces of the Soviet Union took control of America.  Clearly, only under a regime more interested in holding onto and increasing its own power than serving the people would things like the above-mentioned happen.   

My friends, I say it's time we got a leader in the U.S. who can turn things around.  We need a man who can dramatically increase literacy in his nation. A man who will provide his people with universal health care. A man not from a wealthy family, but one who rose from humble beginnings. A man who can continue to lead no matter what the adversity, even in spite of numerous attempts to overthrow him.  A man like...you know, I think I just described Fidel Castro.  Man, things really are ass-backwards, aren't they?