Mr. Law & Order
by The Cranky Media Guy
OK, you've convinced me. After years and years of
logical arguments (what liberals would call
"propaganda") I have finally been persuaded to
become a conservative. I just cannot fight the simple,
homespun logic of the right wing any more. Make room for
me, boys, I'm sitting at the grownup's table from now on.
I'm not sure what finally won me over. Maybe it was
that damn federal judge picking on poor Bill Gates; maybe I
just finally saw the light. No matter. I am now a
full-fledged Republican. (to be honest, I never really
thought of myself as a "liberal". I liked to
think of myself as a person objective enough to look honestly
at both parties. I now realize that that is politically
correct code for being a big ol' hard core Commie.)
OK, so how can I help the cause now that I'm onboard?
I've been thinking a lot about that ever since I decided to
change my ways and I think I've come up with something that
will really really help the movement.
I know that crime is a big issue with we
conservatives. We're real big on getting criminals off
the streets (unlike liberals who want to take them all to the
circus and buy them cotton candy). As a former outsider,
though, I think I've found a flaw in the way my fellow
conservatives have been dealing with the crime issue.
Simply put, I think we waste too much time on prosecuting
small fry. Busting street-level drug dealers takes too
long, costs too much and accomplishes too little. I
mean, come on! We know that if you take one little guy
off the street, someone else will just come along and take his
place. I say it's time to do something more...well, more
We conservatives are very concerned with the young people
of America, yes? We want to give them good examples,
right? OK then, let's bust some big name guys and show
them that no one is outside the law.
How about starting with George W. Bush? Can't get
much more high profile than that, can you? Let's lock
his ass up for the cocaine he shoved up his nasal passages
back in college. Yeah, I know he's never actually
admitted to using the stuff, but he's never actually said he didn't
either, has he? That's pretty much the same as taking
the Fifth and as we conservatives know, only guilty people and
liberals (same thing, really) hide behind the Fifth
Amendment. George W.'s home state of Texas has lots of
people doing time for using drugs, so this would only be
consistent, right? I mean, we conservatives have to show
that we aren't hypocrites on the drug issue, after all.
If the drug charges don't fly, how about prosecuting W. for
desertion? According to tompaine.com, there's plenty of
evidence to show that Bush was AWOL from his National Guard
unit for months. I'm sure he had better things to do,
but he really should have informed his commanding officer
about them first, don't you think? That's just proper
etiquette. We conservatives didn't like it when guys
tried to find ways out of serving during the Vietnam era;
busting Bush would show that we don't play favorites.
Then there's Rudy Giuliani, the mayor of New York
City. He's been very vocal about the need to prosecute
even relatively small crimes like spray-painting property and
jaywalking. He says it's all part of improving the
quality of life in the city. Now that I'm 100%
conservative through and through, I see the merits of his
argument. I'm sure, therefore, that Mayor Giuliani will
understand when we try him for adultery.
Yes, I too was shocked to find out that adultery is still
against the law in the Empire State. It is, though and
as a newly born-again law and order conservative, I say a
law's a law and we can't pick and choose which ones we will
enforce or who we will prosecute. Plus, we do
want to show that we mean what we say about "family
values" and setting a good example for our children,
right? As I've heard my fellow conservative
Republicans say a million times on television, "it's all
about the children."
It just isn't right to have an adulterer as the mayor of
the largest city in America. And it's just plain
bad manners to walk in a parade down Fifth Avenue with one's
chippie. I can just imagine what Dr. Laura would say
about this. Therefore, I expect Mr. Giuliani to do the
right thing and turn himself in to the police at his earliest
convenience. Likewise for George W. Bush. Even
though these two gentlemen have never publicly admitted their
transgressions, I'm sure their good, conservative consciences
won't allow them to walk free when they know in their heart of
hearts that they are guilty as sin (literally in Mr.
I realize that I'm kind of new at being a conservative
Republican, but I think I'm getting the hang of
it. My new party is serious about enforcing
the laws of the land without fear or favor, right? If
so, I think I'm going to like being a Republican!