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Mr. Law & Order

by The Cranky Media Guy

OK, you've convinced me.  After years and years of logical arguments (what liberals would call "propaganda") I have finally been persuaded to become a conservative.  I just cannot fight the simple, homespun logic of the right wing any more.  Make room for me, boys, I'm sitting at the grownup's table from now on.

I'm not sure what finally won me over.  Maybe it was that damn federal judge picking on poor Bill Gates; maybe I just finally saw the light.  No matter.  I am now a full-fledged Republican.  (to be honest, I never really thought of myself as a "liberal".  I liked to think of myself as a person objective enough to look honestly at both parties.  I now realize that that is politically correct code for being a big ol' hard core Commie.)

OK, so how can I help the cause now that I'm onboard?  I've been thinking a lot about that ever since I decided to change my ways and I think I've come up with something that will really really help the movement.

I know that crime is a big issue with we conservatives.  We're real big on getting criminals off the streets (unlike liberals who want to take them all to the circus and buy them cotton candy).  As a former outsider, though, I think I've found a flaw in the way my fellow conservatives have been dealing with the crime issue.

Simply put, I think we waste too much time on prosecuting small fry.  Busting street-level drug dealers takes too long, costs too much and accomplishes too little.  I mean, come on!  We know that if you take one little guy off the street, someone else will just come along and take his place.  I say it's time to do something more...well, more high-profile.

We conservatives are very concerned with the young people of America, yes?  We want to give them good examples, right?  OK then, let's bust some big name guys and show them that no one is outside the law.

How about starting with George W. Bush?  Can't get much more high profile than that, can you?  Let's lock his ass up for the cocaine he shoved up his nasal passages back in college.  Yeah, I know he's never actually admitted to using the stuff, but he's never actually said he didn't either, has he?  That's pretty much the same as taking the Fifth and as we conservatives know, only guilty people and liberals (same thing, really) hide behind the Fifth Amendment.  George W.'s home state of Texas has lots of people doing time for using drugs, so this would only be consistent, right?  I mean, we conservatives have to show that we aren't hypocrites on the drug issue, after all.

If the drug charges don't fly, how about prosecuting W. for desertion?  According to, there's plenty of evidence to show that Bush was AWOL from his National Guard unit for months.  I'm sure he had better things to do, but he really should have informed his commanding officer about them first, don't you think?  That's just proper etiquette.  We conservatives didn't like it when guys tried to find ways out of serving during the Vietnam era; busting Bush would show that we don't play favorites.

Then there's Rudy Giuliani, the mayor of New York City.  He's been very vocal about the need to prosecute even relatively small crimes like spray-painting property and jaywalking.  He says it's all part of improving the quality of life in the city.  Now that I'm 100% conservative through and through, I see the merits of his argument.  I'm sure, therefore, that Mayor Giuliani will understand when we try him for adultery. 

Yes, I too was shocked to find out that adultery is still against the law in the Empire State.  It is, though and as a newly born-again law and order conservative, I say a law's a law and we can't pick and choose which ones we will enforce or who we will prosecute.   Plus, we do want to show that we mean what we say about "family values" and setting a good example for our children, right?   As I've heard my fellow conservative Republicans say a million times on television, "it's all about the children."

It just isn't right to have an adulterer as the mayor of the largest city in America.   And it's just plain bad manners to walk in a parade down Fifth Avenue with one's chippie.  I can just imagine what Dr. Laura would say about this.  Therefore, I expect Mr. Giuliani to do the right thing and turn himself in to the police at his earliest convenience.  Likewise for George W. Bush.  Even though these two gentlemen have never publicly admitted their transgressions, I'm sure their good, conservative consciences won't allow them to walk free when they know in their heart of hearts that they are guilty as sin (literally in Mr. Giuliani's case).

I realize that I'm kind of new at being a conservative Republican, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.   My new party is serious about enforcing the laws of the land without fear or favor, right?  If so, I think I'm going to like being a Republican!




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