May The Best Showman Win
by The Cranky Media Guy
Like most Americans, I've given up the idea that any politician,
Democrat or Republican, is actually going to do anything to make my
life better. I've come to terms with the fact that it's all a
big show which, unlike professional wrestling, we're required by law
to pay for. As Frank Zappa once said, "politics is the
entertainment division of big business."
Since it's all just monkeys jumping through hoops, I have a
theory that most people who bother to vote anymore do so for the guy
who gives them the best show. How else do you explain the fact
that Bill Clinton won twice? By the '96 election, every
sentient being knew that the guy was a World Class BS Artist, but so
what? At a party, who would you rather spend your time hanging
around, the guy who's in the middle of the room, charming everyone
with wild stories or the guy sitting sullenly in the corner,
drinking beer? You know the storyteller is full of crap, but
it beats the hell out of listening to a mumbler who's revving up for
the Technicolor Yawn any minute now.
The other day, George W. Bush made some statement about how his
pick for the V.P. spot would be "exciting". For a
moment, my mind was awhirl with the possibilities. Jackie
Chan? Madonna? The Black Panther guy kicked out of the Big
Brother house? Hillary Clinton? (now, that
would have been funny!) OK, admittedly those people were kind
of long-shots, but when he used the word "exciting", I had
the brief fantasy that, for once, it might not be one of the usual
suspects, a male caucasian, right-leaning, career office
A few days passed, then Dubya made his Big Announcement.
His running mate would be--drum roll please--Dick Cheney. Man,
talk about taking the oxygen out of the room. If Bush thinks
that Dick Cheney is exciting, he must have an orgasm every time he
eats macaroni and cheese.
Republicans are fond of saying that their party is a "big
tent". That may be, but underneath that big tent is some
kind of P.T. Barnum-era Aryan circus where George Hamilton would be
on display as an "exotic" from the African
continent. Dick Cheney, oil millionaire and friend of
your father's, huh? Way to think inside the box, George!
Cheney's had three heart attacks. Someone's going to have
to ask the people at the Republican convention not to pop the
balloons that fall from the ceiling; his heart can't take it.
I wonder how many of the three were caused by finding out that his
daughter is a lesbian. If nothing else, that answers the
burning question, Who Will Howard Stern Vote For?
OK, so Bush is a total flop on the Entertain-O-Meter.
There's still hope for Al Gore, who hasn't announced a running mate
yet, either. Hey, Al, remember what I said earlier about it
all coming down to who's the most entertaining? Since you're the
only guy in America dull enough to make George W. look like Jim
Carrey on crystal meth, I suggest you give some thought to making
your selection for V.P. unconventional.
Hey, I just got an idea, Al. NBC is kind of behind the
curve on this "reality" programming thing. Work out
a deal with them for a show where people from all over the country
can call in for a shot at appearing on the air and possibly winning
the Grand Prize of living at the Naval Observatory grounds in
northwest DC for four years. Call it Veepstakes 2000.
Go ahead, look me in the eye and tell me that wouldn't work.
Dignity, schmignity. It would be a ratings monster and
win you the White House, Al. Remember, it's all about
entertainment. It's all just monkeys jumping through hoops.