My Fantasy Is Cool. Yours Is Stupid.
by The Cranky Media Guy
I wouldn't say that there are a lot of absolute rules in life,
but there's one at least: If you're not currently on the roster
of a professional baseball team, you have no business wearing
a complete uniform to a game. Especially if your waist size is
higher than a batboy's uniform number. No matter how strongly
you may fantasize about it, there is no chance that Joe Torre
will suddenly realize that one of the Yankees is missing, come
out of the dugout, point to you and say, "You. In. Now."
Hey, if life worked like that, I wouldn't be sitting in a motel
room in Boise typing this right now. I'd be in Tangiers (or some
other exotic-sounding town in a country I can't name off the top
of my head). I'd be drinking a vodka martini, shaken not stirred,
as I sat across from a beautiful woman named Lotta Vagina or something
like that. I'd have a license to kill in my wallet and a Beretta
in my holster. I'd be trying to foil the evil world-domination
plans of a guy with a secret lab full of guys in identical jumpsuits
hidden inside a mountain on an island in the South Pacific.
I'm not though, am I? I'm sitting in my underwear in Boise, Idaho,
typing this on a creaky old Macintosh. I'm watching the World
Series on the TV bolted to the desk next to me. That's as close
as I'm going to get to play in the game. And the same goes for
you, even if you have your cleats on.
I shouldn't have to say this, but the same goes for painting
your face with your team's colors. It doesn't make you look like
a "superfan", it makes you look like a dork. A big dork.
It might be okay if you're eight years old, but even then only
if you painted it yourself. If you're a parent and you've painted
your kid's face with the intent of taking him out in public, you
might want to check your state's child abuse statutes. There has
to be some law against making your kid look like a colorized
member of the Insane Clown Posse. Jim Lehrer should have asked
Bush and Gore where they stood on this issue during the debates.
Let's review. If you wear a uniform to a game, you're a dork.
If you paint your face, you're Super Dork. If you paint your kid's
face, you're a menace to society and need to be stopped, now.
Are we clear on this? I don't want to have to repeat it. I have
to go now. The sun is setting here in Tangiers and I just realized
I have to call the DMV. My license to kill is about to expire.
Why are you looking at me like that?
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