The Cranky Media Guy
weekly commentaries and editorials
   Editorial Page
   Weasel Of The Week
   News Talk
   Cranky Music Man
   Editorial Cartoon
   Site Search

specials and monthly features    The Op Ed Piece
   Fast Food Critic
   Who Is 'Blue Collar'?

The Crank Tank    Previous Columns
   Weasels Hall of Shame

editorial page

I'm A Professional Child

by The Cranky Media Guy

If you've ever read anything I've written on this web site and suspected that I was, shall we say, learning-impaired, this will convince you you're right.

A few short weeks ago, I was a lowly book editor in Virginia; then, through the kind of series of unlikely events that have become a kind of hallmark in my life, I became part of a semi-big time morning drive radio show on a kick-ass rock station in Boise, Idaho. Other than the fact that I'm a fat load of goo and I realized today that I now have thighs that look like cottage cheese stuffed into pantyhose, life is pretty good at the moment.

Imagine for a moment that this was happening to you. You'd feel pretty good about life, too, right? How would you celebrate? You might go out and get drunk. You might go to a topless bar. Maybe you'd buy and smoke a big cigar. You might, not me, though.

See, that's all grown-up stuff. I may have a middle-aged fat guy's body, but I have the cerebellum of a ten-year-old. I don't do grown-up stuff. That's for grown-ups. Fortunately, I have a job that pays me reasonably well to be an over-annuated juvenile on the air. (Jealous yet?)

So, no drinking, no cigars, no lap dances. What did I do? Uh, well, I went to a video arcade. Two, actually. I dragged along Chris, my on-air partner. We played every stupid shoot-'em-up game in the joint like sugar-addled adolescents; then, when we wore out the entertainment possibilities of Pojo's (featuring Idaho's only indoor carousel), we went to Gameworld and started over again.

Yes, you're absolutely right--I should be wearing a hockey helmet and riding a short bus to work. I'm a total 'tard. I'm like Tom Hanks' character in the movie Big, just a stupid kid in a aging, lumpy body. I don't do grown-up stuff; that's for grown-ups. I kick ass at that Daytona 500 driving game, though.

Why miss even one pithy commentary? Check-out the Editorial section of The Crank Tank.



web design Chriss Hight