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The Awesome Power of Chaos

by The Cranky Media Guy

Have you noticed that things have been a little different, a little shall we say, chaotic, lately? Like, what's the deal with the election, for example. Never before in the history of the United States have we seen an election that stretched out as long as this one has. On every television channel, political analysts have theories as to why this is happening at this moment in history.

Let 'em theorize all they want. Let them look under every rock for an answer to this dilemma. Try as they might, they will not come up with the answer. How could they? How could a mere analyst realize that the answer lies not within the realm of politics but rather within my newly-found superpower.

Yes, I said superpower. Don't look at me like that. Realize instead that you are witnessing the awesome power of Chaos Boy. Yes, Chaos Boy, he who causes everything he touches to turn random in nature.

Oh, I suppose I can't blame you for not realizing the influence my powers have on current events. Like Spiderman shortly after he was bitten by that radioactive spider or Superbaby when he lifted the car off Ma or Pa Kent (I forget which), I'm just figuring out the extent of the amazing things I can do.

I moved to Boise, Idaho a little over a month ago. I was living in a motel room paid for by my new employer, Journal Broadcasting. The deadline for getting out of the motel was rapidly approaching; any normal human being would panic if they realized that they had only about 72 hours before they would be homeless. As I've recently come to realize, however, I am not a "normal human being". Two days before I would be thrown out onto the street, I picked up the newspaper and started calling people who advertised apartments and houses for rent.

My coworkers scoffed. No one could possibly find a suitable place with so little time to go. Ha. Like me, they didn't realize that I possess the reality-distorting Power of Chaos. After four phone calls, I had found an affordable town house a five-minute drive from work. The next day, I had the keys to the place. Not only that but it turns out the landlord went to one of the two colleges I dropped out of at the same time as I did. No one could believe it. Neither could I, until I realized I possessed the Power of Chaos. I've had it all my life, I just didn't realize it before.

Naturally, with such amazing power comes responsibility. I probably should have some kind of incantation like the Green Lantern used to recite, but I don't. I'll work on it. Meanwhile, I promise to use my Power of Chaos for good, rather than evil.

If you know your comic book plots, you know that early on in the storyline the hero invariably has trouble controlling his powers. I'm no different; I'm afraid the Chaos Beam got a little away from me recently and screwed up the presidential election process. Come on, how else can you explain the normally predictable-to-the-point-of-being-boring American system going all to Hell? The Power of Chaos, my friend, pure and simple.

I will work on this. Even as we speak, I am slowly learning how to control my power and I promise you that I will do everything I can to not let it get away from me again. In the meantime, all I can do is apologize to the American public for the disruption I have caused in America in general and more specifically to the lives of vice-president Al Gore and Texas Governor George W. Bush.


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