The Awesome Power of Chaos
by The Cranky Media Guy
Have you noticed that things have been a little different, a
little shall we say, chaotic, lately? Like, what's the deal with
the election, for example. Never before in the history of the
United States have we seen an election that stretched out as long
as this one has. On every television channel, political analysts
have theories as to why this is happening at this moment in history.
Let 'em theorize all they want. Let them look under every rock
for an answer to this dilemma. Try as they might, they will not
come up with the answer. How could they? How could a mere analyst
realize that the answer lies not within the realm of politics
but rather within my newly-found superpower.
Yes, I said superpower. Don't look at me like that. Realize instead
that you are witnessing the awesome power of Chaos Boy. Yes, Chaos
Boy, he who causes everything he touches to turn random in nature.
Oh, I suppose I can't blame you for not realizing the influence
my powers have on current events. Like Spiderman shortly after
he was bitten by that radioactive spider or Superbaby when he
lifted the car off Ma or Pa Kent (I forget which), I'm just figuring
out the extent of the amazing things I can do.
I moved to Boise, Idaho a little over a month ago. I was living
in a motel room paid for by my new employer, Journal Broadcasting.
The deadline for getting out of the motel was rapidly approaching;
any normal human being would panic if they realized that they
had only about 72 hours before they would be homeless. As I've
recently come to realize, however, I am not a "normal human
being". Two days before I would be thrown out onto the street,
I picked up the newspaper and started calling people who advertised
apartments and houses for rent.
My coworkers scoffed. No one could possibly find a suitable place
with so little time to go. Ha. Like me, they didn't realize that
I possess the reality-distorting Power of Chaos. After four phone
calls, I had found an affordable town house a five-minute drive
from work. The next day, I had the keys to the place. Not only
that but it turns out the landlord went to one of the two colleges
I dropped out of at the same time as I did. No one could believe
it. Neither could I, until I realized I possessed the Power of
Chaos. I've had it all my life, I just didn't realize it before.
Naturally, with such amazing power comes responsibility. I probably
should have some kind of incantation like the Green Lantern used
to recite, but I don't. I'll work on it. Meanwhile, I promise
to use my Power of Chaos for good, rather than evil.
If you know your comic book plots, you know that early on in
the storyline the hero invariably has trouble controlling his
powers. I'm no different; I'm afraid the Chaos Beam got a little
away from me recently and screwed up the presidential election
process. Come on, how else can you explain the normally predictable-to-the-point-of-being-boring
American system going all to Hell? The Power of Chaos, my friend,
pure and simple.
I will work on this. Even as we speak, I am slowly learning how
to control my power and I promise you that I will do everything
I can to not let it get away from me again. In the meantime, all
I can do is apologize to the American public for the disruption
I have caused in America in general and more specifically to the
lives of vice-president Al Gore and Texas Governor George W. Bush.
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