Broadband, My Ass
by The Cranky Media Guy
The Millennium is here. The Internet can finally be enjoyed the
way it was intended to be, at super-duper high speed, thanks to
technological advances. Yessirree Bob, there's no more waiting
for your Naughty French Maid pictures thanks to broadband connectivity.
There's only one little problem with this scenario: you can't
get this amazing technology. Don't even try. Nobody has it. Nobody.
Don't believe me? Okay, Smarty Pants, go ahead, try to get hooked
up. Pick any (theoretical) version of "broadband" you
like; there will be a reason you can't have it. Trust me, I've
been trying for weeks now.
What's your poison, Cowboy? DSL, Digital Subscriber Line? This
should be the easiest one to obtain as it supposedly runs over
the phone line you already have. Call the phone company, though,
and you'll find out that you can only get it if you live within
a certain distance from a "substation". The certain
distance is eight feet. Trying to find a substation is like when
you were a Tenderfoot Scout and you were sent on a snipe hunt.
You'll be standing around, metaphorically speaking, with a burlap
sack and a stick, looking stupid. Five people in America have
DSL and they're all phone company techs who actually live in
OK, forget that then. How about ISDN? Going by my personal experiences
trying to obtain this mythical beast, the letters stand for "I
Search Day and Night". Assuming you somehow manage to find
whoever hooks ISDN up, you'll soon discover that its main advantages
over DSL is that it's slower and costs more. This is actually
something of a breakthrough as it's usually difficult to get people
to pay more for less. Scientists who have studied this say that
within ten years it will be possible to write a check for all
your disposable income and receive absolutely nothing in return.
I've heard that there's some alleged high-speed connection thingie
involving satellites. Yeah, right. Like I'm going to go out and
buy a satellite. Do I have "sucker" printed on my forehead
Bottom line? Broadband is the jackalope of technology; it's a
cute idea, but it just don't exist in the wild. Do what I've done:
resign yourself to having enough time to make a ham sandwich (including
slaughtering and slicing up the pig) while FrenchMaid.com loads.
If God wanted us to have high-speed Internet, He would have made
us all live in a substation.
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