Summertime Blues

by Will 'The Cranky Music Man' Golightly

It is my pleasure to announce to you that the Diana Ross and the "SupremesÔ " tour—mysteriously called "The Return to Love"—has been cancelled. You may have heard that the first half of the tour had been plagued by attendance problems, as in no one was attending. Optimistically averaging about half full arenas, the trip around the country found people staying away as if their lives depended on it.

To recap, the two Supremes that actually recorded and performed with Diana Ross during the Sixties were asked to regroup. It’s rumored that they were offered three million dollars each; but, when they found out Ms. Ross was to make 5-10 times more than that, they bailed. So Ms. Ross took two ladies whom she had never actually sang with before out on the road.

In a prepared (as if there’s any other kind) statement, Ms. Ross claimed to be disappointed that the concert promoters ixnayed the remaining 14 shows. She insisted the tour was "about the music". As opposed to countless costume changes, $250 tickets, and a lackluster solo career, I assume. The funny thing is, though Ms. Ross is so upset that the promoters have ended the tour, the actual promoters (TNA and SFX) say that only three dates are cancelled. I’m not one to make assumptions, but it sounds like a certain singer is not interested in performing to empty seats 14 more times this summer, despite what she says.

But that’s not all. Dr. Dre’s "Up in Smoke" tour has hit a snag as well. It’s not enough that Napster is stealing his songs and George Lucas is mad at him for using the THX digital belch. Now the Man is out to get him. Dre’s tour (along with Eminem, Snoop Dogg, and others) opens with a short video. It shows, among other things, Snoop Dogg robbing a store, a half naked woman, and oral sex. Dr. Dre (that’s Mr. Charming to you) was surprised when Detroit police demanded the video be pulled from the gig; they let him know it’s illegal to show that sort of thing to minors. Dre dropped the introductory video, and in return the cops let the crowd stay until after curfew. I didn’t even know Detroit had a curfew. Are they allowed to swap the enforcement of one law for another?

Despite the shouts of "Where’s the oral sex?" and "Why isn’t Snoop knocking over a liquor store?" the crowd enjoyed the show (or so I imagine). The next stop on the tour, Auburn Hills, MI, tried a similar stunt. But Dre was ready with a federal judge’s injunction saying that the cops couldn’t force him to remove the video. She did, however, warn Dre that he would still have to pay the fines for breaking local obscenity laws, so I can’t quite figure out what was so helpful about it. Needless to say, he was charged with the misdemeanor of "promoting pornography". He’s not happy about it, and may sue.

I’m beginning to think that this is the Man’s plan. By making artists fight for First Amendment rights so often over little things (stupid homemade videos, saucy lyrics, etc.), we all get so bored hearing about it that the Man can destroy the First Amendment forever, and we won’t even notice. Heaven knows I couldn’t care less about Dre’s little movies, but it’s the principle of the matter. And I’ve warned the Cranky Media Guy about this, so they’d better watch out.

To end on a more positive note, Brian Wilson is touring this summer. That in itself is amazing, but it gets better: he’s performing the Beach Boys’ masterpiece Pet Sounds from start to finish. If that’s not enough for you (it should be), he also plays some of the goofy old songs. He has an orchestra in tow, which warms up the show, not with a dirty video, but with a medley of Wilson’s great compositions. Though I’m not one for medleys, included are snippets of some lesser known songs from the remains of Smile—the "great lost masterpiece" of American popular music, the album that almost trumped Sgt. Peppers, etc. But that’s another subject all together. In a poll I conducted earlier of me and my dog, "Surf’s Up" is the greatest song ever. Though written for Smile, it wasn’t released until the early Seventies, on the cleverly titled Surf’s Up album. This Tuesday Surf’s Up is being re-released; though it’s a patchy album, no one’s life is complete without owning the title song. Consider yourself warned.