David Bowie and Iman had a girl, Madonna had a boy, and the
Source Hip Hop Music Awards were halted after fighting broke out.
But the single most morbidly fascinating thing I've heard in weeks,
even more so than Madonna naming her child "Rocco", is
this: Britney Spears is an advice columnist.
The website for Britain's BBC is hosting Ms. Spears for two
weeks, starting September 8, where she will reply to email questions
from all over the Britney-loving world. We at CMG are everywhere,
and we have intercepted this transcript from the BBC itself.
* * * * *
Dear Britney:
My boyfriend wants me to watch a Matthew Perry movie with him. He
says he'll leave me if I don't do it. I know it's wrong, but I love
him! What should I do?
Conflicted In Colorado
This is a good chance to see if you and your boyfriend are good
for each other, CIC. If he really cares about you, he should be
willing to wait until you are ready to watch the Matthew Perry
movie. This is not something to rush into. Most people don't even
like his movies the first time¾ it may
even hurt a little bit. Justin Timberlake, from 'N Sync, who is
absolutely NOT my boyfriend, would never make me do that if I
weren't completely comfortable with it. Besides, he prefers David
Schwimmer.
Dear Britney:
My mom and dad are both rodeo clowns. Needless to say, they want
me to stay "in the family business". I graduated from high
school early; I'm only fourteen. I have been accepted to Brown
University, and I want nothing more than to be a short story writer.
What should I do? P.S. Have you read any good books lately?
Unhappy Clown
Don't worry, UC, my mom thought I was crazy when I auditioned for
The Mickey Mouse Club. I can still hear her lectures:
"The streets are littered with ex-Mouseketeers! Why don't you
learn a trade, like repairing Atari 2600's?" If your parents
see you are happy, they will understand. By the way, since I spend a
lot of time travelling on a tour bus, I have plenty of time to read.
Right now I'm enjoying Harold Bloom's The Western Canon, a
noble defense of our literary classics against the politically
correct attempt to denigrate centuries of masterwork by "dead
white European males". It's great despite Bloom's cavalier
glossing over of Homer, Sappho, et al., and their fundamental
position in the Canon. That and the new
Harry Potter book!
Dear Britney,
I'm thinking about getting breast implants. How many should I
get?
-Flat in Fort Lauderdale
FIFL, you should only change for yourself, not because of other
people's opinions of what you should look like. Unless your manager
thinks it's a good idea.
Dear Britney:
I am really hot, and I sing all soulful like. People seem to like
me and my R&B stylings, and yet I am not the biggest star in the
universe! My upcoming Spanish language album should be a huge hit,
but I can't wait that long for global domination. Should I try to be
even trashier? I heard Li'l Kim may pose for Playboy...
What A Boy Wants
Give it up, Christina. You will always be my Handmaiden of Pop.
And stop calling me.
Dear Britney:
I just got my first period. My mom is really proud, but I'm
scared. Will I be attacked by sharks if I swim in the ocean?
Worried In Waikiki
Yes.
The Op Ed Piece
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