by The Cranky Media Guy!

Sun. Aug. 20

My Turn?

Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche have split up.

''Unfortunately, we have decided to end our relationship,'' the couple said in a statement in Saturday's Daily News. ''It is an amicable parting, and we greatly value the 3 1/2 years we have spent together.''  So, now I've got a shot, right?

For What It's Worth

The web site for on-line broadcaster Live365.com has a contest running currently.  You're supposed to write a little essay of no more than 300 words about what you think radio will be like in the year 2010.  Just for amusement's sake, I decided to enter.  Here's what I wrote:

In 2010, the broadcasting day will sign on with the Corporate Anthem (which all listeners will be required to sing along with).

The Happy Citizen Hour will be the morning show, with calls from happy citizens making up much of the show. The Official Top Five will be played over and over (Number One: "The State is Great" by Citizen BS22554, formerly known as Britney Spears).

In order to win contests (prizes consist of extra food rations and shoes), callers must know the Phrase that Pays: "Death to those who would oppose the power of the State".

A popular afternoon talk show heard nationally is Turn In Your Neighbors, on which callers report people they suspect of treason. Sometimes the host calls the report-ees live on the air so that listeners can hear the actual sound of the Loyalty Police kicking in their door.

Everyone listens to State Radio; they have to, as special chips implanted in their bodies force them to listen to the station during all non-work hours.

Gee, do ya think I'm gonna win?

I Beg To Differ

A study suggesting that caffeine is added to colas not for flavor but to hook consumers pissed off the soda industry this week.

Caffeine "is added for one reason, for flavor," said Jeff Nedelman, a spokesman for the National Soft Drink Association.

"I'd like to see the soft drink industry come out of denial about the role of caffeine in their products," said lead researcher Roland Griffiths.  "They're adding a mildly addictive, mood-altering drug, one which surely accounts for the fact that people drink far more soda with caffeine than without."

The NSDA disagrees.  "Too few people were tested, too little science was used in the testing and too much opinion is contained in the conclusion", the association said.

I think I can shed a little light on this.  Back in the late 70's, through a series of odd events, a friend named Eric Schultz and I managed to wangle a side job doing audio-visual stuff at the World Headquarters of an extremely large soda company.  (Trust me, you would immediately recognize the name if I told you.)

We got to check out and operate the A-V equipment for several of their board of directors meetings.  We were in a small room behind the rear projection screen for the board room.  The people in the board room could neither see nor hear us; we could hear, but not see, them.

Let's just say that, because of that experience,  I learned quite a bit about Big Business in general and the soda business in particular.  At one point, the Chairman (who is with the company to this day) was explaining to the assembled board members that the company expected Ralph Nader to go on a crusade against the ingredients of their product as being bad for children.  He said that the company could defend every ingredient in the soda as being "natural".  He proceeded to run down the list of ingredients, until he came to carbonic acid.  "It comes from rocks," he said.  "What's more natural than rocks?"   Nothing, I thought, except you don't usually drink them.

At one of the board meetings I got to eavesdrop upon, the Chairman explained that the manufacturing process actually removed caffeine from their soda and that the company put back in more than was taken out.  He went on to explain that they could take the caffeine out of the soda altogether and the consumer would notice no difference in taste at all.  He said that, in his opinion, sales would not drop immediately, perhaps not even for as long as five years.  They would drop eventually though, he said, as caffeine is mildly addictive and taking it out would ultimately result in people drinking less of the product.   

Let's just say that the current soft drink industry position that caffeine is added for "flavor alone" is in contradiction to what I heard come from the lips of the Chairman of the Very Large Soda Company some years back, when he was speaking "off the record" for his board of directors, unaware that any outsiders could hear his words.  Draw your own conclusions.

Sat. Aug. 19

This Just In...

Reform Party presidential co-candidate Pat Buchanan was released from a hospital in Washington, D.C. after successful surgery to remove his gall bladder.  There wasn't anything really wrong with it.  It was just lonely in his body without a heart to keep it company.

Is There Nothing The Man Can't Do?

Did you happen to catch the speech by one of the Gore Girls™ (Karenna™, Kristen™, Kit Kat™?  I dunno, one of them) who extolled her father's abilities?  "He even made toast for us!" she said.  That's sweet and all, I suppose, but is mastery of a toaster all that big an accomplishment for the man who invented the Internet?

Attention publishers: it's not too soon to secure the rights to Al Gore's New Age Guy's Toast Cookbook.

Friday, Aug. 18

Before We Start...

I can see already that one update (in addition to the stuff I wrote yesterday) isn't going to be enough, so check back over the weekend.  I'll be adding stuff Friday night for sure and probably also Saturday, too.

Sweet Deal, Eh?

So, Dick Cheney's going to take early retirement from the energy outfit he's been heading.  It's called the Halliburton Company.  I guess they really, really like him or something, because they're going to give him a little retirement present--$20 million!  That isn't a golden parachute, that's a platinum parachute!

Wonder why these government guys act like they're different from the rest of us?  They are!  Who do you know who can bail on a contract and walk away with mega-bucks?  I got canned by a radio station in San Diego once and they tried to screw me out of the money they owed me for the six months I had left on my contract.  Actually, they kind of did screw me out of it.  I had to pay a lawyer to go in and jerk some cash out of them. 

Gee, do you think there's any chance that, if Bush and Cheney win in November, Halliburton will just happen to get some lucrative government contracts?

It's Everywhere, I Tell You!

I've been saying for years now that professional wrestling is the perfect metaphor for everything in American life.  Of course, most of my friends don't believe me and the rest are sick of hearing about it.  It's become increasingly obvious lately that I'm right, though.  A former wrestler becomes governor; a wrestler addresses the Republican convention; the President of the United States makes his entrance by way of a tracking shot that's used every week on Raw is War.  If I thought of myself as one of those stupid "pundits" that show up in Time magazine and on the Sunday morning TV shows all the time, I'd say "wrestling has a stranglehold on American culture", but I don't so I won't.

Speaking of Wrestling...

Did you happen to catch the Reform Party's convention?  I'm referring to the Pat Buchanan version of the Reform Party (having split in two, the Reform Party is now the Norman Bates of political parties).  After Buchanan got done addressing the (storm) troops, the P.A. system played "Real American", the old Hulk Hogan theme song. I'm telling you, the wrestling influence is everywhere!

Not True.  I Made It Up

You've heard about the massive recall of Firestone tires, many of which were installed on Ford SUV's.  Pressured to make a statement about the situation, the president of Firestone said, "We stand behind every vehicle with Firestone tires."  Good move. Standing in front of them could be fatal."

Thursday, Aug. 17

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

Okay, so you've heard all about how the LAPD stopped Rage Against the Machine in mid-set and kicked the audience out; you've heard all about the rubber bullets being fired at people; you've heard about the bean bag projectiles and the tear gas.  Hey, how come you haven't seen any of this on TV?

Ah, that's where it gets interesting.  My wife just happened to stumble across a reporter on one of the cable news channels explaining that they aren't allowed to have cameras in the protest area.  Um, excuse me?  The press in a free nation isn't allowed to cover a story?  Since when does a police department have the power to suspend the First Amendment?  Just askin'.

Hey, Groovy Guys and Gals...

Don't forget that we're running readers' letters on the weekends now.  Send those heartfelt missives to bob@crankymediaguy.com ASAP.  Also, we're still taking your best guesses as to what excuse the Gore/Lieberman crowd will make if and when they lose.

Jurassic Park In The Staples Center

Didn't you just love that "Liberals Night" at the Democratic Convention?  It reminded me of when I worked at Yankee Stadium back in the 70's and they'd have Old Timer's Day.  You'd get a parade of mummies in pinstripes that would be nostalgic and depressing at the same time.  You'd realize that the King Tuts in cleats you were looking at were once vital members of the team.

Same thing goes for the guys they trotted out on Liberal Night.  The subtle subtext there was "take a last look at these guys, 'cause you won't be seeing them around here anymore."  No room in the New Democratic Party (which looks a whole lot like the old Republican Party) for guys who insist on bringing up stuff like Universal Health Care. Those sailors on that Russian sub have more of a future than liberals in the Democratic Party do.  Bye-bye, Bill and Jesse.  Here's your commemorative watch.  Don't drool on the salad bar, please.

eBuh-Bye To...

Iown.com

WomensConsumerNetwork.com

Living.com

McCain Has An Owie

Senator John McCain just announced he has skin cancer.  Gee, what timing, huh?  Call me Mr. Cynical but I suspect the timing of the announcement was chosen to accomplish two things:

1. It took some attention away from Al Gore's Big Night at his convention.

2. It gives McCain an excuse not to campaign actively for Dubya, a guy who, until a few weeks ago, he was comparing unfavorably with Satan.

Yeah, he has melanoma, the worst kind of skin cancer, but he's had it before and it's actually pretty easy to treat when caught early.  He's not going to die; he's just going to get to hide out until after the election.