The Cranky Media Guy

weekly commentaries and editorials
   Editorial Page
   Weasel Of The Week
   News Talk
   Cranky Music Man
   Editorial Cartoon

monthly feature columns    Fast Food Critic
   Who Is 'Blue Collar'?

The Crank Tank    Previous Columns
   Weasels Hall of Shame

weasel of the week
We Didn't Know It Was POSSIBLE For a Representative to Hate Our Freedom Of Choice THIS Much
by The Cranky Media Guy
Representative Mikael G. Oxley
Rep. Mike Oxley   

To my way or thinking, if you're going to be a crook, there's only two ways to go about it.  The first is the Reverend Ike way.  The Reverend Ike was a black preacher who used to have a show on TV.  The Rev would look at the camera and say, "People ask me if the money they donate is going to help starving people in Africa.  I tell them, 'Hell no!  It's going to a black preacher in New York!'"

The second way is the Bill Clinton way, where you get all sincere-looking and say, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky."  In other words, total denial.  Personally, I prefer the Reverend Ike method; you have to admire a guy who has the nerve to look you right in the eye and admit what he's up to.  If you're going to be a crook and you don't have the gonads to do it the Reverend Ike way, at least go for total denial.  Don't insult my intelligence by trying to B.S. me with transparent rhetoric. 

Of course, the overpaid scumbags in Congress don't have the charisma to go down either the Reverend Ike or Bill Clinton roads. The newest scam is to try to justify their corruption of the democratic process by calling it--get ready now--"customer service".

One of the U.S.D.A. Grade-A scumbags on the Hill is Representative Michael G. Oxley (R-Ohio).  Catch this charming Oxley quote, courtesy of the Washington Post, about big-money donors.  "It would be unrealistic to ask people to contribute and not let them have a voice, not let us know their opinion."  On the off chance that you don't get the real meaning of that, allow me to translate for you: You pay, you get access.  The more you pay, the more access you get.  Naturally, that leaves dirt bags like me--and almost certainly you--out of the picture.  The fact that we support the opulent lifestyles of those glorified, self-important civil servants with our tax dollars doesn't mean squat.  If you can't write a big check to their reelection campaign funds, you don't count for shit. If you doubt what I'm saying, reread Oxley's quote and email me another interpretation of it.  There isn't one.  You can wrap manure up real pretty and put a bow on it, but it'll still smell.  You can sell the influence of your elected office and call it "customer service" but it'll still smell, too.

Miserable, self-serving SOB's like Oxley are the reason the American public has lost faith in the "system".  He happens to be a Republican, but it isn't any different on the other side of the aisle.  Same shit, different mascot.  Millions of Americans know intuitively what's going on in the halls of power; they just feel helpless to do anything about it.  The Oxleys of this world realize that and take advantage of it.  What they're engaged in is essentially a Mafia-style protection racket.  If you want to make sure that your industry doesn't have to deal with legislation it might not like, you have to grease the right palms.  Anyone care to explain to me how that differs from the thick-necked goon who informs you that, unless you pay weekly "protection", your store just might have a fire?  You can call it "customer service", but anyone with a three digit IQ knows that it's extortion.

I'm not particularly religious, but I like to imagine that, if there is a Hell, there's a ringside seat right next to the fire for people like Oxley.  Unfortunately, I'm realistic enough to know how these things play out in the real world.  Oxley will have his little run in Congress as one of the pay-for-play blow boys of industry.  Then he'll announce that he's leaving public office to "spend more time with my family."  His next gig will be as a highly-paid "consultant" or board member for one of the companies he ran interference for when he was supposed to be representing the interests of his constituents. His salary will, of course, be on top of the pension he'll get for having been a member of Congress. 

In a way, I almost hope that Oxley gets paid very well from here on.  After all, selling your soul and betraying the trust of the people who elected you ought to be worth something.   Enjoy your run as Weasel of the Week, Representative Oxley.  Sorry there's no check to go with it.




web design Chriss Hight