Lack of Talent Can Take You Far
by The Cranky Media Guy
Let's recap our story so far, shall we? Fox, the plaid
jacket-wearing used car salesman of networks, puts on a show called
"Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire?" Women from
all across this great land of ours apply to be contestants on this
televised celebration of the sanctity of the quickie Vegas marriage
Among those in the show's field of 50 is a Clairol blonde nurse
named Darva Conger. Ms. C. makes it to the finals, during
which she promises the groom-to-be, Rick Rockwell that if chosen,
she will be his friend for life, his lover, his homie, his Sherpa
guide and on and on. She's the Swiss Army Knife of
babes! Rick chooses her as his little wifey-poo. They
are married on camera.
Off they go on their fabulous, all-expenses-paid honeymoon.
Almost immediately, there are rumors of Trouble in Paradise.
Darva no want be married. Darva good Christian woman who make
mistake. Bwana Cranky say, Darva full of shit!
Is anyone buying this story? I mean, it ain't like
anybody held a gun to her head and made her be on that stupid
show. But, okay, let's be as Christian as Darva would like us
to believe she is. Let's suspend disbelief and accept
that she never really thought she would win and only went on
the stupid show to get a free couple of days in Vegas.
Here's the problem: She won't go away! After she and
the Rickster got back from their Haunted Honeymoon, Darva went on
her I Just Want To Be Left Alone Tour 2000. She told
her story of wanting to go back to the life she had before to
everyone with a camera and a studio audience. She tried--she
really, really did--to go back to nursing, but the hospital canned
her ass because she was attracting too much attention. That's
her story, anyway.
Darva doesn't seem like a stupid woman, but appearing on every TV
show other than Teletubbies seems like an odd way to regain
one's anonymity. As does her latest move of appearing in
Playboy in her birthday suit. She's still a good Christian
woman, Darva says. She just needed the money and she's sure
that God will forgive her. Besides, it's Playboy, which
means--as we've heard time and time again from women who took
dropped their drawers for Hef's rag--that their nudie shots were
"tastefully done". I'm sure God will take that into
consideration when He's mulling over this whole thing.
Darva, Darva, Darva. I'm going to pretend for a moment that
I'm a black woman in Jenny Jones' studio audience and give you some
advice. "You need to get over yourself, girlfriend.
You ain't foolin' nobody. Besides, you ain't all
that!" Okay, I'm done with my out-of-body experience; I'm
back to my old self. Here's what I have to say, Darva:
You want to be anonymous? Fire your friggin' publicist, for
starters. Then, cut your hair, and dye it black. Next,
apply for work on the breakfast shift at the Burger King in
Stafford, VA (a town chosen entirely at random and because I happen
to live there). Trust me, Darva, no one will pay any attention
to you. Until you do that, you will universally recognized as
the in-denial media whore you truly are...and as the Weasel of the
Week. Oh, by the way, God called. He says
"tasteful" or not, you're still going to Hell for posing