This Just In: Geraldo And Fox News Are Full Of Shit
By Robert Pagani
Sick of his increasing irrelevance on CNBC, aging Lothario Geraldo
Rivera quit his low-rated show to become a "war correspondent" for Fox
News Channel. Geraldo Rivera and FNC: a marriage made in
Heaven. Unlike CNN, which founder Ted Turner intended to "have
no stars" but would put the news first, FNC, from its inception, was
loaded with "personalities". Yes, CNN has changed over
the years, but Fox News Channel was intended from the very beginning to
be a showcase for overblown egos. In the Thanksgiving Day parade of News
People Who Love Themselves A Wee Bit Too Much, Rivera is the most bloated
balloon of them all.
Like Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity (two other FNC "stars"),
Rivera has The Formula figured out: No matter what the story is, make
sure that the subject is you. If I had a dime for every time Bill
"I'm not a Republican even if I sound like an RNC spokesman" O'Reilly
claimed that some politician was "afraid" to come on his show (because
he's such a hard-hitting journalist who allows "no spin", you see),
I'd be typing this in my mortgage-free villa on the French Riviera.
There are those of us who have been laughing at Rivera's pathetic attempts to
make the War On Terrorism into his personal spotlight. Here's
Geraldo packing a six-shooter (to the dismay of his fellow reporters who feel
that it compromises their ability to claim neutrality and endangers their
lives). Here's Geraldo in the thick of the action with a sniper's bullet
whizzing over his head. Here's Geraldo threatening to shoot Osama binLaden
on sight. Yup, it's Geraldo's War, you just get to pay for
it. It was entertaining, in a pathetic way, to watch Rivera use FNC
as a kind of Video Viagra to regain his fading manhood. The
laughter's stopped now, though. He's crossed the line from asshole to
In a December 6th on-air report, Gung Ho-raldo reported that he became
emotional and choked-up while standing on the "hallowed" ground where
"friendly fire took so many of our, our men and the mujahedeen
yesterday." So moved by the spectacle was Rivera that he recited the
Lord's Prayer. A lovely, touching story--if only it had happened.
The Baltimore Sun reported on December 15th that Rivera had actually
been several hundred miles from the site of the slaughter on Dec. 5th. He
admitted it to them via videophone, but attributed it to confusion due to the
"fog of war" (there's that phrase again! (Apparently, I didn't
get the memo designating that as the Cliche Du Jour.)
Oh, see, here's what happened, said Rivera, I just confused that battle with
this other "friendly fire" incident in Tora Bora (which cost
several Afghan lives). Yeah, that's the ticket. Even overlooking the
sloppy reporting technique that would have to go into making a mistake like
that, there's still a little problem. The second battle--the one Rivera
said he was really thinking of--didn't happen until three days after
his report (according to the Pentagon).
There are two possibilities here. The first is that Roger Ailes has
started issuing time machines to his FNC correspondents. In that
case, despite my misgivings about its starboard tilt, Fox News Channel
would clearly be THE best source for news, bar none. The second
possibility is that Geraldo Rivera is more full of shit than a Port-O-San on the
last day of the state fair. Take your pick.
Naturally, a first-rate news outfit like Fox took immediate steps to
reprimand Rivera and thereby salvage its credibility, right? Well, not
exactly. When the Sun called for a comment, Fox News
spokesman Rob Zimmerman said that he had "no information" about
whether the network was reviewing the incident. He also told the Sun
that the paper had a "vendetta" against FNC and hung up the
phone. Those of you taking notes will recognize this as the cheapest
trick in the book: when backed into a corner, go on the offensive. Poor
little Fox; everybody's out to get them.
OK, we now have inarguable proof that a reporter for a national news outlet
is a goddamn liar. Boy, the right wing must be having a field day with
this, huh? I mean, you know how they're always saying the media is filled
with lefties who distort the news and all. Yeah, you'd think that, but
you'd be wrong. I hear, in fact, that the crowd over at Lucianne
Goldberg's website are sticking up for Geraldo!
Now wait just a minute! What the hell is that all about?
Imagine for a moment that Wolf Blitzer over at CNN had done the same
thing as Whore-aldo. Do you think for a nanosecond that the right wing
wouldn't be screaming for his head, calling for boycotts of CNN's advertisers,
even Congressional hearings? Remember the shit storm when NBC News
rigged a vehicle to burst into flames on impact? Over at FNC they still
bring that up after all these years. Why no similar outcry after Rivera's fairy
Right wingers should be outraged by Rivera using the death of American
servicemen to enhance his own image, but they're not. They should
be screaming for him to be fired, but they're not. Hmm, could it be that,
despite all the protestations and denials, the Republicans know full well that Fox
News Channel really is their personal Ministry of Information?
Now that he's at Fox News, Rivera's their boy and can do no wrong, even
if it involves taking a figurative dump on the graves of Americans killed in
battle . Keep that in mind the next time you hear some right winger
bitching about "liberal media bias".
Every whore has his price. Geraldo Rivera got his Christmas present
early this year: kneepads with "FNC" monogrammed on them.
Strap 'em on, Gerry. Here comes Roger Ailes and he's got "bedroom