Happy Super Bowl, Dammit

by Will 'The Cranky Music Man' Golightly

Fortunately, I don't write a sports column, so I don't have to tell you about how the Ravens' offense has nothing but luck to credit for its final score. What I do is comment on the silly pop stars paraded out for the grand occasion. And silly they were.

I'm told Styx actually played at the pre-game festivities, but I'm not sure. They were not scheduled to be televised last I heard, but I don't know since I didn't watch any of it. I have better things to do than hear about Jeff Hostetler's family tragedies. Beer and nachos don't drink and eat themselves, after all. So we'll pick this story up where I started watching: Sting.

From what I could figure out, the ex-Policeman played by the rules of these events. He did a medley of hits and wore the tackiest outfit in his closet. The first song was his last single, Desert Rose, a song that incorporates aspects of world music. Or at least it has some foreign gentleman I've never heard of ululating alongside Sting. Then they segued into the oldie but goodie Roxanne, which I always thought was a soong about a prostitute. But I've been wrong before. By the way, nice leather pants and golden tin foil shirt, Mr. Sting.

The venerable Ray Charles was next up. He sang America The Beautiful People or Our Country 'Tis Of Thee or one of those other songs that we sang in grade school that isn't the national anthem. He sounded fine, but he may not be thrilled to know that he was surrounded by goofy-looking "dancers" twirling various items. And I'm sure the stealth bomber that streaked overhead at the song's big finish made perfect sense to someone, just not me. Lovely red bow tie, Mr. Charles.

Then there were two quarters of football with a minimum usage of the ridiculous "Matrix Camera" that shows us a player standing still in 360 lo-fi degrees. E-Trade brought us the halftime show, and for that we should all be thankful. Afraid to be seen as immodest, 'N Sync used an opening chord strikingly similar to the beginning of the Beatles' Hard Day's Night as their intro. While you were trying to place that familiar Gsus chord coming over the loudspeaker, out rushed the lads as if chased by a horde of fans a la the Beatles. They're not actually anywhere near any fans, of course, because that would be a security hazard. I guess we just had to use our imagination. Classy torn denim, lads.

The gimmick in their medley was that Aerosmith were to take the stage and play. Joe Perry may or may not have been actually playing his guitar, but he certainly did a better job than the mimes behind 'N Sync. I haven't seen such miserable play-acting since my childhood friend and I made a homemade music video for the Cure's Last Dance in junior high school. Aerosmith played the song from that movie that I can't remember right now, and then 'N Sync sang some song I didn't recognize. Then came the big finish: Aerosmith, 'N Sync, Britney Spears, Mary J. Blige and Nelly all took turns reminding us that Walk This Way was a really successful single. After trading verses, the group formed a Rockettes-style kick line in front of the huge pyrotechnics and that's that. The second half started and it all went to hell.

So there's the Super Bowl in a nutshell. If you didn't catch it, I hope this helped. If you did watch, I hope you weren't fooled into buying anything by those stupid commercials. Just because an advertisement makes you laugh doesn't mean the company behind it is interested in making your world a more pleasant place.