Blasphemous Rumors

by Will 'The Cranky Music Man' Golightly

Sometimes I lie awake at night worrying that I'm not taking full advantage of this column. Instead of complaining and poking fun, I could be enlightening, informing and enriching people's lives. But then I saw that MTV has a new special, Hip Hopera, which makes classics of opera cool by replacing the warbling with rapping; that makes me feel much better about the decay of our society. Now back to the bitching.

There have been two rumors floating around the Internet in recent days. One is that Lou Reed is dead. The other is that Michael Jackson is preparing to sell his rights to the Beatles' song catalogue. Both of these are, frankly, pretty funny. Unfortunately, they are also both untrue.

Don't get me wrong. I don't wish Lou Reed would die, even though it could be convincingly argued that he's been effectively dead for years now. If the All-Star Celebrity Singalong "Perfect Day" single is any indicator, he's running on fumes these days. What, no Metal Machine Music Part 2: Electric Bugaloo? In a statement released by Uncle Lou (or his "people" anyway), we are told that he is alive and well. He is "currently in Amsterdam preparing for the opening of his latest project, Poetry." Well, that's good news: A man who became famous for writing odes to drugs spending lots of time in Amsterdam working on a theatrical release called Poetry. After Jewel's and Paul McCartney's forays, I would think rock celebs would shy away from the very word. I get chills just thinking about it.

Michael Jackson wanted to finish work on his new album in Amsterdam, but they wouldn't let him turn it into a theme park. Only slightly less repulsive than alleged child molestation is the fact that in 1985 Jackson outbidded (former) friend Paul McCartney for the publishing rights to the Beatles' songs. This is old news but something that can never be forgotten. He is single-handedly responsible for the automatic response in people my age to buy Nike sneakers every time we hear "Revolution." Billboard Magazine's website carried Jackson's statement in response to this "silly rumor." He insists that the back catalogue "is not for sale, has net been for sale and will never be for sale." Take THAT, Mr. Wings' Greatest Hits.

I'm as disappointed as everyone else that these two rumors are unfounded. But it did make me feel a little better to hear that a three-day festival in Arizona was cancelled because of low sales. Scheduled to appear were such luminaries as REO Speedwagon, Steppenwolf and Kansas. Fewer than 500 tickets were sold for the event. If only it had been a week-long drum 'n' bass version of Wagners Ring Cycle... THAT would have put asses in seats.