You Oughtn't Be In Pictures

by Will 'The Cranky Music Man' Golightly

Alec Guinness must have heard about All That Glitters. It’s the story of a (beautiful) woman who sings—and sing she must, damn it. She faces some (dramatic) obstacles, overcomes them (heroically), and realizes her dream of being a big star. The lucky actress picked for this role is none other than Mariah Carey herself. Mariah playing a successful singer is even less a stretch than Courtney Love’s turn as a junkie stripper in The People vs. Larry Flynt. All That Glitters’ spunky lead character must have had an even rougher go at show business than Mariah; not everyone can marry a big record exec (and divorce him upon stardom).

Also in the movie are rapstress Da Brat, as Mariah’s best friend, and R&B singer Eric Benet as, well, a singer. I suspect there is a record label somewhere drooling over the eventual release of All That Glitters: The Soundtrack ("Remember how everyone and their mother bought the soundtrack to that crapfest The Bodyguard? Well, this will be even bigger!"). The film is currently being filmed in Hollywood’s largest soundstage, Toronto.

There must be talent enough to go around in the music biz, because Mariah isn’t the only singer trying to crossover to the more glamorous (and lucrative) world of movies. Sean "Puffy" Combs approached Jon "Husky" Favreau, director of Swingers, about a role in his upcoming film, Made. It’s the story of two childhood friends who find themselves sucked into a money-laundering scheme; it stars Favreau fave Vince Vaughn and The X-Men’s Famke Janssen. Puffy scored the part of a New York crime boss—he should have plenty of experience to draw upon as the head of a record label.

Not content merely to risk public humiliation on the big screen, LeAnn Rimes has taken a gamble on her entire career with Coyote Ugly. Months ago she cancelled her summer tour because of several cases of tonsillitis and mono, which are wreaking havoc on her vocal cords. But the glitz of Hollywood was too much, and she accepted the task of playing the singing voice of one of the movie’s characters. Her doctor told her not to sing for a couple months, but you know how headstrong those crazy millionaire kids can be.

The most surreal of all is Ice-T’s playing a detective on the TV series "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit". He will be the partner of Richard "no, really, I’m a comedian" Belzer’s character; it’s a role that probably won’t call on Ice’s experience in Breakdance 2: Electric Boogaloo. Though one can always hope.

Ice-T is still probably most famous for the song "Cop Killer", which not only brought national attention to his metal band Body Count, but also brought an FBI investigation. Presumably his TV character will be very much alive. Until sweeps week, anyway.