by The Cranky Media Guy!

Fri. Sept. 1

Using their formula, this web site has more viewers than the Super Bowl

MSNBC has two billboards on the West Side Highway in Manhattan that say, "THE NEWS WITH BRIAN WILLIAMS.  Find Out Why 42 Million People are Watching."

Nice number; trouble with it is that basically, they pulled it out of their ass.  According to Neilsen, the 9PM showing of "The News with Brian Williams" actually had an average of 203,000 viewers in the second quarter of this year.  That's one hell of a long way from 42 million.

OK, so how does MSNBC come up with their 42 million figure?  Here's the way they figure it:

The show airs four times a night after the 9 PM showing--twice on MSNBC and twice on CNBC.  MSNBC execs say that the 42 million figure represents the total number of people who watched at least one minute of the show during any of its runs in April.

Got that?  If you were dial surfing and you stopped on MSNBC during "The News with Brian Williams" for one minute during April, you counted toward that big-ass number.  In reality, MSNBC gets its ass kicked ratings-wise by damn near everything, including that message channel on every cable system that tells you when the potluck dinner at the Episcopal church will be held.

The Only Legal Dildo In Texas Is The Governor

This is way past stupid, but selling dildos is illegal in the Lone Star State.  "Obscene devices"--defined as anything, including a dildo, vibrator or artificial vagina, "designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs" cannot be sold legally in Texas.

It isn't illegal to own one, mind you, just sell them.  If you have more than six, however, that's intent to "promote" which is a Class A misdemeanor.

There is a way around the prohibition on selling them, however.  If you're willing to sign a release form in the store that says that you're buying your little rubber friend to use as an "anatomically correct condom education model", well then, the vendor is in the clear.  Yes, some stores actually make customers sign papers to that effect so that they can avoid raids by the cops. 

Can you imagine being busted and convicted of breaking this law?  How would you explain why you were doing time to your fellow prisoners? 

"What're you in for?"

"Possession of a blow-up doll with intent to use."

This amazing piece of legislation has been on the books since 1973.  How come conservatives like George W. Bush who claim that they want to get the government off the backs of the populace never seem to try to get rid of stupid laws like this?

Thurs. Aug. 31

Time For An Intervention?

Wacky, cross-dressing basketball player of the Negro persuasion, Dennis Rodman, wants you to be able to have a peek into the Wonderful World of Dennis.  He's joined forces with Wicked Interactive, a porn site company, to install eight cameras in his house.  Now--for a fee--you can watch the wild parties that have the Rodman neighbors calling the cops at all hours.

Referring to Rodman, one local member of the Thin Blue Line says, "He's a nice guy, but when he's drunk, he can be a pain to deal with."

Watching a seven-foot drunk lurch around his living room in a wedding dress--and they say there's nothing worth seeing in streaming media!

Speaking Of Drunks (And Streaming Media)

Although Matt Drudge made too much of it (his description made it sound as if Dubya was wearing a lampshade and throwing TV sets into the swimming pool), the "Drunk George" video is still pretty funny to see.  To me, the funniest thing is that George commits fewer verbal screw-ups when he's half-loaded than when he's sober.  He still comes off as an amiable nitwit, though.  See the possible next president of the United States make a fool of himself at thesmokinggun.com .  Ask yourself if this man should have access to the keys to the West Wing liquor cabinet.

Pull The E-plug On:

WomenConnect.com

SaviShopper.com

EzeSurf.com

Make It A Texas Death Match And I'll Watch

As part of its Smackdown the Vote campaign, the World Wrestling Federation has extended an invitation to George W. Bush and Al Gore to debate each other on their Smackdown show.  The debate would be moderated by Minnesota governor, former wrestler Jesse Ventura. 

I'm not holding my breath, but I would love to see this happen.  It would be the first political debate in history where the audience held up signs like, "Back that ass up, Al!" and chanted "Bullshit!" when one of the candidates promised to cut taxes while increasing services. 

In a semi-related event, Gore accepted David Letterman's invitation to appear on his show, with or without Bush.  Letterman has been trying to get the two to agree to a joint appearance.  The Bush camp has been reluctant to commit, perhaps since the last time their boy was on, he came off like a guy who's had a few too many whose friends push him on stage at the Improv during Open Mike Night.

Living Proof That There Is No Justice

Against the advice of their attorney, baby-killers-in-denial John and Patsy Ramsey graciously allowed the Boulder police department to interrogate them about the murder of their daughter, Jon Benet.  The lawyer needn't have worried, because the Boulder P.D. has repeatedly demonstrated that they couldn't find Waldo, let alone who killed that poor child.  The last thing those Keystone Kops solved was the TV Guide crossword puzzle--and they were stumped for hours by the clue:      I _ _ _ _ Lucy.

After Tuesday's session with the cops, Patsy said, "I told Chief Beckner, 'What makes you think I killed my child? I want to help you get over that.' " Oh, I dunno...just little things called EVIDENCE!  If the B.P.D. hadn't been intimidated by the fact that the Ramseys are rich mofo's and allowed them to turn the house into Grand Central Station after the murder, some of it might even be admissible in court.  As things went, though, that house ended up with more fingerprints on it than Monica Lewinsky's ass.

SAT's All She Wrote

Educators around the country cheered the fact that SAT math scores hit a 30-year high.  The 514 average (out of a possible 800) is up three points from last year and 13 from ten years ago.  At 505, the average verbal score held steady.

In an attempt to raise the average verbal score, the test will undergo some changes.  A question from next year's test:

"In your opinion, why did the last little piggie go 'wee wee wee, all the way home'?  Explain in 100 words or less."

The College Board, which sponsors the SAT's, denied that this constitutes a "dumbing-down" of the test and claimed that the whole thing was a stupid joke made up by a cranky guy who runs a web site.