"Michael Jackson, King Of Zombies"

by The Cranky Media Guy

Michael Jackson

It's hard to beat out Katherine Harris in the run for Creepiest Human Walking, but this week's Weasel has been working on it for a long time. Those pesky child molestation charges put him on the shelf for a while, but glory halleluia, the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, is back.

Remember when Michael Jackson was a cute little kid, singing with his brothers in the Jackson Five? That was back when he was black...and male. I'm not entirely sure what he qualifies as nowadays, but I think I saw something like him in the cantina scene in the original Star Wars.

Think I'm exaggerating? See if you can scrounge up a copy of this past Monday's USA Today (11/27). (Or try clicking here if you read this early enough). Open up the Life section and prepare yourself to see something the likes of which used to cost a dollar at the county fair. As with an eclipse, though, you should don a pair of welder's goggles before you gaze at this blinding sight. Oh, and just to increase the Creepy Quotient, he's got his arm around a dying kid (a girl this time). The shower scene in Psycho is less goose bump-inducing than this photo.

I've seen some creepy stuff in my day; hell, I've spent hours in the Port Authority Bus Terminal in Manhattan (not, perhaps, the bowels of Hell, but a bedroom suburb at least) and I can say with assurance that I've never seen the like of this mutant. His face looks like it was sculpted by an alien who got only a fleeting glimpse of a human years ago and was working from memory. The tip of his nose seems to have sheared off somehow; the guy is just not of this Earth.

Once upon a time, Mikey's eccentricities seemed sort of charming. Of course, in the early days, Hitler had a certain charm, too. With time, the thin veneer of cuteness wears off and the real man (Nazi, E.T., whatever) shows through. The days when Michael Jackson seemed like some kind of cute novelty are long past, as lost as that second glove of his.

Word is Jackson has a new album in the works. It might turn out to be good; the guy is talented after all. To be fair, he is an icon of sorts. To the 80's, he's kind of what the Sphinx is to the Egyptian era. Like the Sphinx, he hasn't weathered well, though. Hey, Mikey, if you insist on a comeback, can you do us all a favor and go back to wearing that mask you used to put on when you thought we didn't realize you were desperate for attention? On behalf of all the people who value their eyesight, I thank you.

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