by The Cranky Media Guy!

Fri. Sept. 22

A Logical Question

ABC Shells Out More Money For Less Barbara Walters (Washington Post headline)

How much would it cost to make her go away altogether?

Former Senator Is Hep To The Jive, Jackson

"You could be (the next greatest generation) if you voted.  I'm talking about the 18-year-olds who have their caps on backwards, walking on their pants, you know?  They're really something, you know?  Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog, you know, they're out to lunch.  They don't vote." --former Senator Alan Simpson, explaining those wacky youth of today on the cable show In The Loop.

You'll Get My Hard Drive When You Pry It From My Cold, Dead Fingers

There's a new software program called Safe Message.  What it does is let you send email that will self-erase from the recipient's computer automatically, after a time period you specify.  The idea is, of course, that casual messages need not clog up a person's computer permanently. 

As you might guess, law enforcement officials are making this sound like a threat to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  According to USA Today, some in the cop biz are claiming that this piece of software could be used as a tool for terrorism. 

You know what?  It probably could.  So?  You can't outlaw everything that might be used by a terrorist, nor can you assume that someone who uses such a thing is involved in terrorism.  Think about it for a second.  A car might be used by a terrorist, right?  I mean, he could use it to carry his explosives and he could use it to escape in after he blows something up.  Hmm, we better outlaw cars. What's that you say?  You're not a terrorist and you just like to drive around in your car?  I'm sorry, we just can't be too careful.  I'm afraid we'll have to impound your car.  There, don't you feel safer now?

The Moral Of Our Story

I've figured it out.  This whole thing with tires exploding on SUV's is God's way of telling yuppies that hiding from the world by wrapping 5,000 pounds of sheet metal around their sorry asses isn't going to save them.

Take Kathie Lee Gifford and Richard Simmons With You, Will You?

Actor Alex Baldwin was quoted as saying that if George W. Bush won the election in November, he would leave the country permanently.  Then he denied saying it.  Then the reporter who interviewed him produced a tape which proved that Baldwin had said it.

Putting the lie aside for a moment, I think the real story here is the arrogance of Hollywood types.  I happen to think that Dubya is a treacherous cretin, but I don't go around trying to influence the outcome of the election by making the impotent threat to leave the country if he wins.  Are undecided voters supposed to think, "Oh my God!  I simply can't live in an America without Alex Baldwin!  I must vote for Gore!"?

Thurs. Sept. 21

Who Does She Think She Is, Barbra Streisand?

Well, la de frickin' da!  Princess Anne has received an apology because she was touched by another human being.  It seems the Windsor Welfare Cheat was attending the Sydney Olympics and was being escorted by a sporting federation official.  In the course of his/her duties, the official had the temerity to actually touch the Princess.  While Anne didn't notice, a member of the royal party did and brought it to the attention of protocol officers.  An official apology was issued.  Puh-leeze!

All I can say is, thank God we broke free from the dentally-challenged, royalty-infested island of England.  I've never understood the fascination some people have with the royal family.  As far as I'm concerned, they're a bunch of human sponges who do no work and suck up millions of pounds worth of salary and benefits each year. 

My theory is that people who swoon at the sight of the Royals are confusing envy with admiration.  Envy I can understand; who wouldn't want a gig like that?  As far as I can see, though, there's nothing to admire about that inbred bunch of big-beaked freeloaders.

Charlatan Or Fraud?  You Decide.

Grim reminder of the 70's and consultant to "street magician" David Blaine, Uri Geller, is up to his old trick of claiming responsibility for unpredictable events again.  In the past, the spoon-bending mountebank took credit for stopping Big Ben.  Of course, he only did so after the clock actually stopped.  He never said in advance that he intended to "stop" the clock.  Taking credit for something that already happened is no big trick.  Try predicting it in advance--then I'd be impressed.

Anyway, he pulled the same tired old gag again this week.  Uri said that he made the Olympic flame appear to stall as it made its way up to the top of the stadium during the Games' opening ceremony.  The internationally-renowned gasbag claimed that he "reached out" mentally from his home in England and held the flaming cauldron by focusing his mind on it.  The only real trick here is finding people stupid and/or gullible enough to believe this horseshit.

A Bumper Crop of E-failures To Report This Week

(some of these are actually more than a week old, but I just found out about them)

RedLadder.com

WebPRN.com

Xenote.com

ClickMango.com

CarOrder.com

Living.com

Hardware.com

Gore/Lieberman: Tough On Hollywood (In The Nicest Possible Way, Of Course)

If there was any doubt in your mind that politicians are shit artists of the highest order, this should set you straight once and for all.  Al Gore and Joe Lieberman have been talking tough about how Hollywood needs to "clean up its act" because of violent and sexually-oriented entertainment allegedly marketed to kids.

Well, that's what they say when they talking for the consumption of regular Joes like you and me.  When they're in L.A. hitting up the industry types for bucks, though, the tune changes.

"We will nudge you, but we will never become censors," Leiberman said in Beverly Hills the other day.  God's best friend Joe was out there to raise some dough for the campaign.  He shook loose $4.2 million from the same people he was just about equating with Satan a few days earlier.

"Al and I have tremendous regard for this industry," he said.  "We're both fans of the products that come out of the entertainment industry--not all of them, but a lot of them.

"It's true from time to time we will have been, will be, critics or nudges, but I promise you this--we will never never put the government in the position of telling you by law, though law, what to make."

Remember this is the same guy who, only a week ago, was saying that the entertainment industry might face regulation for marketing adult products to children.  Hmm, talking out of both sides of his mouth, eh?  Is that kosher?